Quote:
Originally Posted by Brightheart
Maybe then there can be some way of putting the untrue messages to rest one by one. Now that you've identified everything and written it down, you can take a look at these thoughts and recognize that they are not the truth. I have no doubt that this will take a lot of work, but you are a very intelligent person and I for one feel you can do this. One day at a time, Blue.  |
I want to do that. I dont know how that would work. I am printing this thread out to take with me to ftt. I would like to read the beliefs I have about myself. Its kind of sad to read something like this, even though I trust ftt. It does seem like a lot of work, the beliefs are so young and I suspect it is the accumulation of so many things from so young that keeps me feeling this way....no matter what I accomplish. How I feel about myself just hangs on. I have a success (something with my kids, my h, my friends, things I do for my kids school or anything at all) "oh, it doesnt count, Im a fake, everyone will see that, I just scraped by." It could be anything. It isnt sabatoge exactly, it is more a feeling of being unworthy.
I will take it one belief at a time....one day at a time. I dont see ftt until monday.....sigh....
Quote:
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Think of what you are giving to your children when you love and nurture them as you do. Know of the gift inside yourself in your ability to love another so unconditionally and purely. That love is part of you and what you have to offer. Maybe one day you will be able to offer some of the very same gentle support and care to yourself.
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This is what confuses me, it is the same thing Tree posted. How can I be as gentle and nurturing and truly so loving to them and not feel this for myself? Why cant I give it to me? There is some kind of disconnect there. I have it in me, it is there, but there is this black hole where this kind of love cannot go- and I am this black hole. I cannot retrieve the love feelings when it comes to me.....it isnt that I dont take care of myself in outward ways- I eat a vegitarian diet, take supplements, try to exercise, look decent, but it seems like Im trying to gloss over my true feelings...or overcompensate for them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Treehouse
Ugh, this is one of the thing that hurts the most. That I will *never* be the "most precious" or "most loved" to anyone. I don't understand how a mother can look at her child and not be overwhelmed with love.
I think that's why I want to be T's favorite. I really want someone to love me the most. I know it's such an immature feeling, but it's how I feel (and he knows it)
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That is exactly how I feel, in those words exactly. It hurts that I will never be the the most precious or most loved to anyone. I will always be overlooked and other people are loved. This really is something that drives me. And I couldnt even be dt's favorite or anything to her no matter how hard I tried. Or with my mother. I remember when I was a child in elementry school and I wanted to be any teachers favorite, but I never was. I never, ever even dared to try. I watched with sadness as the other children had some kind of relationship with the teacher and I kept my distance. I was never close to a teacher, even though I craved the attention. This is how I remembered elementry school, class after class/grade after grade wanting what I didnt know how to get and so never had.
I feel that way with t's. I dont even dare think of being ftts favorite! I dont know her so well, but I dont think I'll even try. She must have more interesting clients than me. It is how I really feel....sounds so sad....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunrise
There's nothing wrong with crying. What would happen if you cried?
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I thought and thought about this. I guess I could cry...but I am afraid to cry alone and bring up these feelings alone. I am afraid that my kids are here and will see me crying out of control. Or maybe I wouldnt cry out of control, maybe just tear up. I will try to say I love you and see what happens. It is mostly aloneness I am afraid of....and feeling more alone with sad feelings.