Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mother's death. I was 13 when she died, and I'm 40 now and I've never really got over it. For years I just completely dissociated and wondered why I got suicidal every Nov. Now I remember and just get sad. I guess that's progress. The funny thing is I've now been alive longer than I knew her for, but it still hurts so much. We were so close, and formed a team against my alcoholic father. The last time I saw her she was being carried out of the house on an ambulance stretcher, she'd been at home dying for about 6 weeks because she refused more chemo. My dad went with her to the hospital, leaving me at home alone. I was watching TV, the Oddessy, and at about 10 pm I just knew she'd died. I don't know how. My dad came home about an hour later and told me, that my Mom was dead and that I should cry or do whatever I needed to do. I remember taking a long hot shower, and just standing there under the shower crying. Then I have absolutely no memory for about 5 days. Don't remember her funeral nothing. My next memory is answering the phone while I'm cooking dinner, and having to tell the caller that she was dead. It's weird. Not having any memory of the funeral. I've tried to remember but just get blanks. Then my Dad kind of self destructed - got more involved in work, taking on extra jobs and drinking a lot so he was never home, so for the next two years I was basically on my own. I coped by drowning myself in music. I was studying piano pretty seriously at the Montreal conservatory, so I was practicing 3 - 4 hours a day plus lessons 3 times a week and playing in a group once a week. Music kept me sane. Then after 2 years my Dad was forced into counselling by his job. He met a woman there and married her. We moved into her place. No place for the piano so he sold it. I lost my music. I coped by telling myself I was no good at it anyway. That's wrong. I'm now learning to play the harp, and I am good at it. Why did he have to take the music out of my life. Now half the time when I sit down to play, I burst into tears. Not helpfull for practicing.

I just wonder how different my life would be if my Mom had lived. And it makes me sad.

Thanks for letting me rant. Today and tomorrow are hard.

---splitimage