These last days, I have been getting a feel for this place. There are a lot of hurting people here. A lot of very caring ones too. Frankly, I have some ambivalence. To get better requires a commitment. Sometimes, I need to be reminded; empathy alone will not due.

One of my therapists would tell me it is okay to have a pity party. Enjoy the party while it lasts, he would say, but remember, at some point the party must end so we can get on with the business of increasing your level of functioning. Notice, the therapist did not say we would be fixing or curing anything.

This therapist asked me to envision what my life would be like if I were better. I mussitated awhile but really did not have an answer. So, the therapist asked me some questions and gave me some exercises to do.

He asked: What are your values? What do you value most in your life? How would you like to be remembered? My task was think about these questions, provide answers and state the thought processes that lead up to them. The idea, of course, was to give me something to shoot for.

One day, the therapist asked me to imagine a door. On the other side of that door was the life I envisioned, he said. To be able to walk through that door, I needed to be willing to take the risk, recognize there will always be challenges and have faith in myself. The thought scared me more than a little bit.

To ameliorate my fears, the therapist helped me establish mini goals. Each mini goal was intended as a means to build confidence while bringing me closer to the life I envisioned, the macro goal.

I cannot say I am living the life I envisioned. I can say my level of functioning is higher. There are periods when I do quite well; and otherwise. For me the key is to do. Many times it matters not what, as long as I do something. To do nothing but be depressed about being depressed is so tragic.

What is your vision for a better life? Do you have a plan?

Mussitate: verb -- mumble, mutter, maunder, mussitate -- (talk indistinctly; usually in a low voice)

• talk, speak, utter, mouth, verbalize, verbalise -- (express in speech; "He talks a lot of nonsense"; "This depressed patient does not verbalize'' )