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Locust · Nov 06, 2009, 03:14 AM

Pup,

I used to have OCD and now just have some tendancies. I had obsessions and related compulsions, but I also had pure-O obsessions (obsessive, intrusive thoughts without related compulsions). To me, that was the worst part of having OCD. I felt I couldn't control my own mind. I also felt concerned about some of the thoughts, and was worried that I was a bad person for having them. I didn't want people to know about some of them. Even now, while I'll admit more of them to more people, I don't want certain people to know about some of them, and want almost no one to know about a few of them.

With me, these thoughts- at the time- could be very persistant also. It was difficult for me to disconnect these thoughts from who I was. It felt like they were someone else's thoughts because they were unlike me, I thought. They were at times, the very things I hated. But that's just it. These are your thoughts- and they do tell something about you. But if they are bad thoughts, they are not saying you are bad. You aren't thinking them because you're a sicko. You don't think them because you believe that way, feel that way, because you like those things, or want them, etc. OCD is fear and anxiety related, to a degree. We have obsessions that revolve around that which we worry about, fear, hate, or are repulsed by.

ALSO, everyone ocassionally gets, "What if?" thoughts. Now, you know your friend isn't a pedophile. You seem very certain they aren't in your post. When your brain asked, "What if" they were, that thought repulsed you, and so it got stuck on replay. Because we obsess over things that repulse us. This then made you distressed and anxious, which made it play over even more. You didn't want to think it because it upset you to see those images in your head and because now it was making you have bad thoughts about yourself. This only ensured you would think about it even more. And if you concentrate on trying to make it go away (as I did), it will likely make it worse.

Trying to distract yourself is good, I suppose, but I know you said that isn't working. Perhaps, if you could- as hard as it might be- make peace with some things related to this thought, the OCDs would ease off a bit. For example, try saying to yourself (and meaning it- that's the important part) that you know in your heart of hearts that your friend isn't a pedophile and you aren't worried about that. You know the thoughts are there because pedophilia is disturbing to you (and rightfully so), and that the thought of your friend being a pedophile is even worse (even though you know it is just a thought, and thankfully NOT a reality), and that it is also stuck in your head because it was making you feel badly about yourself and that anxiety fed it. Then acknowledge that these thoughts DON'T make you a bad person. They are stuck in your head because your brain is wired differently than most people's, making upsetting thoughts get stuck there, AND because these thoughts UPSET you. If they didn't upset you, they wouldn't be nearly as likely to get stuck there this way. They upset you because you AREN'T a bad person- because you aren't a sicko.

Trust me, I've had the, "I'm a horrible person" and even the, "I'm going to hell," thoughts because of my obsessions that came from OCD. I still ocassionally get the, "Do I really feel that way" or "Do I secretly want or like this?" thought. But OCD doesn't work that way and I know it. If you can realize that these thoughts aren't about you being a bad person, it will take some of the anxiety out of the thoughts, and decrease some of that negativity associated with them (not all of it, obviously, but some) and might result in you having these thoughts less. I am no expert, but it seems to me it might help somewhat. Try to take the power out of them. Easier said than done, but I hope you can do it somewhat. Good luck.