i need to get this out. and i guess i'm writing it here cuz i need some one, anyone to hear, to listen.

i've been holding all this in for the last two months. i usually write, in a journal, song lyrics, anything. just to get it out. but i just haven't. cuz lately i feel like once i open up and start to let it out, it's never going to stop.

today, as i write to be exact, is the first time i've cried in a long time. i don't cry like i used to. i used to cry to easily and often. but people treat you different when u are too sensitive. so i guess i just changed so much in the last little while that instead of letting it out through tears, i just keep holding it in. cause i don't want to be that pathetic little girl anymore. i'm 25 friggin years old now, almost 26.

i'm sick of being treated differently because i suffer from depression. i'm sick of dealing with depression. i'm sick of people changing their opinion of me after they find out or looking down on me for taking medication. judging me.
and i feel like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. be strong. be happy. well sometimes i just can't. sometimes i just don't want to be. but the second i let myself break down, i feel pathetic.

i feel like, i have a great family, some amazing friends, a nice apartment, a good job, i'm very fortunate. and yet here i am being sad. and miserable. what right do i have to complain? there are people who have way bigger things to deal with in their lives then not knowing what they want to do for a living or having no direction in life. really? that's it? cry me a friggin river. i have a pretty damn good life.

and it's that guilt that makes it all a vicious cycle and makes the self loathing grow. as far as i have come with my self esteem, it's this that stops me from going further. that feeling of unworthiness. that i have no right to feel the pain i do when i have so much to be thankful for. and so it's for this reason that i truly have no idea where my depression comes from. what sparked it? is it really just as easy as saying "it's genetic", "it's just my brain not functioning properly". is it? or is that just a cop out. a way to not face what is truly there? a reason to not dig deep and reveal the real reasons?

if you don't deal with the **** in your life u can't move on from it and u are doomed to repeat the same pattern. and mine is to rely on some one else for love. an outside source. mostly boys to be exact. i seem to need the validation. to know that some one in the world wants to be with me. this is exactly why i ended my last relationship because i don't want to need some one like that. i want to supply it on my own. and maybe just acknowledging that fact is a big step. but where so i go from there? what more can i do to be okay on my own? when do u know u are there? what if you never get there?

okay pretty sure that is a lot for one thread. will stop my thinking out loud now.