Small victories...big defeats seem to be the central theme going on lately. I am working on climbing out of my deep dark hole of depression and it is so hard.

I lost my job and because of the economy I failed to find another. I lost my apartment and had to move in with my mother who I swore I never would live with again when I turned 18 because she is an alcoholic.

Living with her is NOT helpful or healthy, but because of circumstances getting out soon is not an option I have. I am trying to find some healthy coping skills. Right now, I basically stay in my room while she is out in the house drinking or letting her ex-husband/current "love" verbally abuse her while she is too drunk to notice.

I told her yesterday the things he has been saying to her. She cried, said she was done with him, apologized for hurting me and not supporting me and putting him first, etc...

Where is she tonight? Back out with him. Dealing with my depression and just hanging on, this reaffirms how worthless and unimportant I am. She rather be with a man who abuses her.

Am I being selfish? Am I just banging my head against a wall---trying to get support from someone who just isn't willing to give it?

When I made attempt on my life four years ago, I called her from the emergency room after having my stomach pumped before voluntarily being hospitalized and she refused to come see me. She was with him.

I think she blames me for being bipolar. I think she thinks I can control it.

I have a daughter myself and I am so internally conditioned to fiercely love and care and protect her. And I wonder why my mother doesn't feel that way about me. I feel so unimportant and useless and worthless. I try to use my voice to explain this to her and she says I am being selfish and that it isn't all about why I feel.

And here I sit. Alone. I went to the store and got some snacks. And it was such a nice night. A night to be out with friends and laughing. But not for me.

I know I rambled, but thanks for letting me vent.