I love my family. I hate my family.
My family are the most supportive, caring, loving people.
My family are demanding, limited people.
My family are everything to me.
Sometimes i secretly wish that i had a mini parallel world to run to where i had no family. Just for a week or two.
There is never any space in my family.
There is always space in my family.
They tell me to take my time, go slowly, relax,
They expect me to shut up and get on with it.
They ask me to talk to them and not shut them out.
They don't give me the time to talk and we walk past each other mindlessly.
I prefer it when we walk through each others lives but never actually connect because when they randomly decide to come into my life it feels as though they are suffocating me.
I feel so pathetic for not being able to listen and cope with all the family dynamics and problems.
I feel so stupid that my family will talk to me when there is noone else that will listen and i feel over-loaded.
I feel so angry that my family expects me to do things i don't want to.
I AM SO ANGRY THAT I CAN'T TELL THEM THAT I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.
I attempt to....i say i'm not really interested in doing such and such.
They reply that it'll get me out the house which basically translates to 'i want you to do this'. Expectations.
They never hear me.
They try to hear me.
But they never listen.
I do understand, i know sometimes in life you have to do things that you don't want to in order to make the situation easier. And i know i should do it.
But i'm always doing it.
...
I'm being selfish.
...
I cut because it is me telling myself to put all my emotions and needs to one side and be what is expected.
Cutting tells me to go away because i'm not needed.