I feel like I'm defective socially. Not inept per se, more like painfully restrained.

I wasn't always this way. As a young child I was outgoing with and liked by my peers, but by the 3rd grade, I was about the least popular kid at school. When choosing teams for kickball, they would pick the mentally retarded kids before they picked me. It seemed I could do or say nothing right, and the only way I could defend myself from my classmates' constant tormenting was to keep my mouth shut and hide. This went on for about seven years, and I suppose it is expected that these experiences might leave me somewhat socially scarred.

Now I am 25. I am intelligent and generally successful, and acquaintances sometimes randomly approach me to tell me how much they admire things about me, yet I have never had a boyfriend, and I have never been kissed. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances and a few closer friends, but I feel like I don't really trust them. I feel an emotional separation from them like I can't throw my heart into the relationship entirely. I'll tell people sensitive things about me, but it comes out as nothing more than facts, when I feel that there ought to be some deeper meaning there. I also struggle greatly to make new friends. I can hold a pleasant conversation with someone, but inside I'm absolutely dying to run away because I feel like their interest is insincere or like I'm bound to screw it up somehow. It's very uncomfortable.

Group situations are very difficult for me. Events like mixers are particularly painful, and unless a very active effort is made to include me, or unless I feel like I have one of my better friends to cling to, I usually get anxious and overwhelmed (and possibly burst into tears) and leave. I really really really want to be able to mingle and have a good time like everyone else, but I just can't do it. I'm afraid I'll say something dumb or at least awkward. I don't even bother going to dances any more or attempting to dance because I can't bear the thought that someone might be laughing at my appearance (body image issues...) or my incompetence. Same applies for other activities where I don't feel skilled.

I flamed out of a music performance major partially because of undiagnosed ADD which prevented me from practicing for hours at a time, and partially because the constant evaluation and criticism of my playing was almost more than I could bear. I'm now pursuing a career as a Physician Assistant, but the evaluations of my faculty and preceptors terrify me. More than once, I have burst into tears when being graded after a practical exam. I think the career would be an okay fit for me, except I fear that patients or supervising physicians will reject me or berate me, despite my best efforts. It's bound to happen.

However, despite my great inhibitions, I'm not sure if, at the core, I really feel that I am inadequate or inferior as a person. Although I tend to be extremely self-critical, on the whole I actually do think that I am worthy of being liked (usually), but that there is some crippling barrier that prevents me from having and experiencing the meaningful relationships that I deeply desire. It has to be my fault. I always feel this insurmountable wall that ultimately keeps me separate. Protected, but pathetically alone. I can't tell you how much I want to know what it's like to love and be loved in a romantic relationship, or to have a best friend who I can talk to and hang out with and feel completely at ease, without fear of judgment or scrutiny. Pardon the use of the term, but I feel like a relationship retard.

I mentioned the avoidant personality disorder idea to a prior therapist, and he quickly shot it down without really exploring the issue. In my mind, there is obviously a problem here - the fundamental issue of wanting meaningful relationships, but feeling incapable of attaining them. The desire for positive social and other interactions, but being sabotaged by fears of judgment or rejection. Great reluctance to try new, potentially embarrassing things for fear of getting laughed at. The inability to tolerate appropriate criticism. I mean, is this normal? Is it really normal for a 25-year-old to be not only a virgin, but to have never had a boyfriend and never been kissed?

I guess I don't know what to make of myself. It sounds a lot like AvPD to me... is that what it sounds like to you, or is this just social anxiety? Does it even matter what it really is? I just know I don't want to live this way, if it can be helped.

If others reading this have had similar struggles and found effective help, what did you do? CBT? Self-help? I feel like there is an entire dimension to life that I have never experienced. Help me get there. Please.

Thank you in advance.