Big week for me, I have court on Thursday for my workers comp case. My anxiety level is off the charts. I feel like all the drugs they have me on are doing no good. I sit and try to figure out why I am depressed when I get really low, but there are too many things for me to pin point exactly what it is. Is it circumstances, the bi-polar, or just plain old depression. I see everything right now as black and white. NO shades of gray, and for the most part everything is BLACK! I am terrified that my past will be brought up like SI, which is why I was 302'd in June and August. When I gave my deposition they saw a cut on my arm and asked if I SI I of course said no. That was before they subpoenaed the T I had at the time that has SI, the black thoughts. Now it is documented and the defense has everything I talked to her about. That includes my brothers death and how rattled I was since he was an abusive animal that I had not spoken to or even seen in 10 yrs. My past was brought to the for front of my life after an assault which is my workers comp case. I have never testified in court and I am not sure I will keep it together especially if they try to blame my PTSD and depression on my past and not the assault that occurred just a little over a year ago.

Like I said before sink or swim I feel like I am sinking and have concrete boots on. Each day its getting harder and harder on me just thinking about court and my thoughts are getting worse. Right now I feel like a shattered spirit and couldn't be made whole again with crazy glue or gorilla glue.
I just needed to vent b\c I have very strong urges and am trying my best not to SI. I just want this week to be over with. Why does life have to be so F^*&(^ complicated?