Last night was just a really crap session. Not in the mood to have a T talk, really. Just feeling too tired lately. I feel stuck in T, like I'm just the same as when I started, and it's very frustrating.

At the end, I asked T why we hadn't continued with my OCD exposure hierarchy. We haven't even talked about it for two months. And she said, "I don't know, why haven't we?" Like it isn't obvious that NO ONE wants to do exposures because an exposure is facing a fear and I don't want to but I need to but I don't want to! I want to get better, and yes exposures will probably help me get better.. but saying, "Let's work on exposures today" feels like asking to jump off a cliff! It may be pathetic, but I just can't do that! I want HER to tell me to do it, so I can!

We kept going back and forth, and I ended up saying, straight up, "Please, just TELL me to do them!" And she said, "Jessica, that is the LAST thing I'm going to do." And that was the end of the session.

I know what she wants is for me to take charge of my treatment and lead it in the direction I need to go.

I can't. I am so pathetic. But I can't do this.

I want to quit T. I want to quit life. I'm never going to get better because I am a pathetic, lazy person completely lacking in self-control. I am obviously just not trying hard enough. I am wasting my time. I am wasting my money. I must not want this enough. Or maybe no one can help me.