Thanks phoenix for the support.. I don't think I need a new T though. I've had quite a few Ts. This one really listens and cares. The situation with the exposure hierarchy is a little more complicated than I presented -- I work at an OCD clinic, so I know how the treatment for OCD works, in some ways better than she does because she does not specialize in OCD. I think that if I were able to take charge of my treatment, asserting myself in that way would be really good for me. I know she really cares about me. She almost always goes about half an hour overtime with me in session.

Yes that's ok! Thanks so much sawe, that actually made me tear up, thinking of someone sitting with me through all of this. You can sit as long as you like.

Thanks for the support dream. I do like my T. A lot, actually. I know she cares and only is doing this because she thinks it's in my best interest.

I think it was pretty clear from our exchange how frustrated I am with her. I don't think I need to print out this post -- I plan to tell her how hopeless I felt after our session.

I also just grew some balls a little and sent her this email:

I do want to do them.
I do think they will help.
Please help me sum up the courage. This is not easy.

*sigh*

Hopefully that will get a good response from her.

Actually, at some point during the back-and-forth, she did ask, "Why do you need me to sanction this?" Or something like that. And I said, "I don't know. I don't really understand it. It's something like I need your validation before I can move forward." But we didn't take that anywhere. There wasn't much time left in the session. We'd already gone about 20 min over by then. Knowing her, I'd imagine she would have taken that somewhere if we'd had more time.

I will. I can be pretty honest with this T, luckily, and she's aware of how frustrated I am. I'll tell her how hopeless I felt after our session, that it made me consider quitting T. I'm at least going to go to our next session. I have hope that she will handle this better next session, especially after my email.

T actually doesn't think I "don't try hard enough," so I don't think that's the message she's trying to convey. That's all coming from me. In fact, in her opinion, I try too hard. If she gives me homework, I take it too far and go way overboard with it. She actually refuses to give me homework anymore because I get so fixated on it that it consumes my days until my next session.

I think she's trying to get me to assert myself with her. I think she's putting me in this uncomfortable position where I have to do that to get what I need. She told me, "You don't have to make a decision about it today." She might be seeing if I will eventually get there, you know? Because even if it takes me a while to do that, being able to say, "Lets try exposures today," on my own, will be good for me. If I can get there. Maybe she thinks I am capable of this, if she waits it out.

I'm sure T will be open to discussion about this. I know I will at least need her encouragement, and at least some pushing from her. Even if it's just her asking, at the beginning of sessions, "Would you like to try an exposure today?" If she can't give that to me, then I may have to take phoenix's suggestion and find a new T.

Thanks blue, so much, for the support.


Exposures are hard for everyone!! Would T push you if you asked her to?

Thanks crystal for the hugs.

Thanks everyone! I'm feeling a little more hopeful after the email I sent T. Maybe she will be willing, at least, to help me sum up the courage to do these things.