I don't even know where to start. I am extremely shy and beat myself up over every mistake I've ever made. I literally see a mental picture of myself being punched, slapped, abused, shot, decapitated, multilated, etc. I feel deeply offended when criticized, I don't "hang out" with my peers and feel inferior to them, never been to a party or other social gathering, I feel others are always judging me and they remember every mistake I've ever made even though it's illogical to think so, I've never had a girlfriend, I find it hard to trust others, and my only escape is fantasies I indulge in while I'm alone.

I don't leave my room and apartment unless I have to (school, for example). I do speak to and know people at school, but I don't view them as "friends." The only "person" I feel is a true friend is my stuffed animal -- a puppy. I've created a personality for him, and he's the only one I trust enough to talk to. I don't talk to my parents. There have been times where I feel suicidal and Puppy always comforts me and tells me everything will be okay. I do have an exit plan in case things get too rough for me to handle or if something happens to Puppy. I do not think I can live without him.

I've been told I'm witty, clever, and humorous. The jokes I make are usually self-degrading but made in such a way that does not raise any red flags. I justify my lonliness by telling myself and others that I don’t need other people to be happy. But in reality, I hate being lonely. I devote 100% of my time to my studies in hopes of earning enough money to maybe give myself more self esteem.

When I have too much free time, I think. I look back on my life and analyze different events that shaped me to who I am. Here is what I have concluded: I was constantly being picked on during elementary school because I was Chinese and because of the way I dressed, and people called me "chino." Even other Asians picked on me for no apparent reason. I remember thinking to myself "Why don't people like me?" My mom taught to not fight and just take insults as they come, and I did. Every day I just sat there and took insult after insult. One day I read in a book that the word "chino" meant "chinese" in spanish. When the next person called me chino at school, I said to him "Yea? so what?" I saw the confused look on his face and that's probably how my sense of humor started. I realized I had the power to throw their insults back at them by turning them into a joke. Over time, this turned into self-degrading jokes and acts such as spitting on myself in order to gross out and scare away the bullies.

In middle school, I got in trouble for a joke I made and I was forced to see the counselor for a week. My parents didn't know. After that, I toned down my jokes. In the 7th grade, I had just gotten a haircut (I hated every single one of my haircuts.) and was feeling more self-conscious than I usually was. I was on my way to band class, and to my surprise, this random girl came and gave me a hug. I didn't know what to do, or what to say. I just stood there with my arms by my side like a statue while she hugged me. I didn't hug her back. Over time, I had grown to like her. I was infatuated with her, but I didn't know at the time, silly me thought it was "love." A year later, overcoming my fear of rejection, I asked her out. Instead of giving me a solid yes or no, she said maybe. This "maybe" kept me in her grips for the better half of the year before my infatuation ended and I was able to rationally think again. By that time, the hugs have stopped. As the year went on, I noticed that she did what she did to me with every guy. Hug them, get close to them, a few months later move on to others. Rinse and repeat. After that, I promised myself to never get close to another female again. The emotional hell and drama just wasn't worth it.

After graduating middle school and starting High School, I had become very cold and logical. Or atleast I tried. I acted like an a**hole for lack of a better term. I justified pushing others away by saying it was more trouble than it was worth; love is just a bunch of chemicals being pushed around in my brain afterall. By Sophomore year, I let down some of the walls I built up and attempted to socialize. I still didn't do the whole hanging out thing and my weekends were spent in front of a computer as always, but my social network got bigger. We helped each other when in need, but I still didn't view them as friends and I certainly didn't trust them enough to tell them what I'm wrting here now.

I am now a Junior, and my workload has more than tripled when compared to Freshman year. I've become stressed out this year and I find myself indulging in my fantasies a lot more. The summer before my Junior year began, I found an anime on the Internet. I was never much of an anime fan, but I watched a few episodes and became infatuated with one of the characters. Every time I lay on my bed, I retreat into my fantasy world where I'm holding her in my arms and everything is perfect.

I know she's not real and a relationship with a cartoon character is impossible, but I feel happy when I'm in my fantasy world. Also, I think I may be addicted to self-loathing and the happiness feeling generated when I'm in my fantasy. Whenever I feel depressed and begin contemplating suicide, there's this weird feeling I can only describe as black goo starting at my heart and spreading to the rest of my body. As it spreads, I feel a rush and I begin crying. As I cry, those mental images of self-hurt mentioned in the beginning come back again and I feel worthless. Those images and feelings trigger another "black-goo rush." and it lasts for almost an hour. I feel the same rush when I'm in my fantasy holding this “girlfriend” faceless construct in my arms, except instead of pain, I feel a light, "happy" sensation that spreads from my heart. Then, instead of crying, I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness and I'm actually smiling. I fear I may be addicted to these two feelings of intense sadness and intense happiness. I fear I may be wh*ring for attention and feeding my ego when this happens. For example, something bad but insignificant might happen and I'll start beating myself up over it until I feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread which will trigger the black-goo pain.

What I just wrote, I have never told anyone about. There are only 2 people on the planet that I trust enough to say this to while not anonymous like I am right now; myself and Puppy.

One last thing, whenever I'm in my depression cycles I analyze my life and what I wrote about my early life leading up to this point is what I have concluded to be the cause of my social awkwardness and lonliness.

Please help me. I don't know if I'm coming off as arrogant or attention seeking, but I really can't see myself being capable of having a girlfriend, or even being alive to see my High School graduation to be honest. I need help.