Sort of. I talked to a counselor once, but if you look at previous threads I've made in the past couple of days, I don't really have too high of an opinion of him. I don't know if I really want to talk to him. The thought makes me nervous. Which makes me want to cut. And he told me that first session when I told him the thought of it was making me nervous that if coming in makes me want to cut, then he doesn't want me to come in, if it will keep me from cutting. Does that not sound like the stupidest thing ever? I'm cutting anyway, whether I come in or not, which is why I needed to come in the first place! And now I will have let him down, and I don't want to tell him that. I only talked to him once.
I'm definitely scared now. I went out tonight with some friends and the whole time I felt unreal. I went to the bathroom at one point, but I honestly don't know how long I was in there. I didn't have my razor on me--I needed to wake up. So instead, I took my jacket and wrapped it around me neck, just so the blood would pound, rush to my head. I didn't keep it there long. Maybe 15 sec, tops. Just enough to feel it. And it was all fine, I could breathe a little better. But then I think I blacked out for a few moments--not passed out, just had a sudden bout of amnesia. I suddenly didn't know how long I had been in there. I couldn't remember for the life of me if I had left and come back (I had a lot of water to drink, so I went a few times)--I had NO idea how long I was standing there. It freaked me out. Since I didn't have my razor on hand, I scratched at my arm. and scratched and scratched. It still stings, but at least I can feel it there. But it scared me. I've never had a bout of amnesia before. I'm sure it had something to do with wrapping the jacket around my neck, so I don't really think I should do that again, but what else can I do??? I had to walk back out and I guess I was in there a while, cuz my friends started asking what took me so long; I told them I just took a poop.
I'm really scared now. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm just trapped here, and I just can't get out of this. I want to cry. I just want to bawl. But I can't. I'm honestly worried now that I might end up doing something out of control, something really really bad. I don't want to. But I'm scared I might have to, or I'll have to do something and will end up doing something far worse. I've never been this scared of myself before.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE...