I don't know. One moment I feel like it is going to get better. I listened to my T, agree to faithfully take meds, and try to not let things rule me and my impulses.
Last night I thought I felt good. And I thought , ok...let's see if this will be what is needed to get me out of this dark, dark hell.
This afternoon I am not so sure there is a way out...
I feel better...and yet more confident of my security in my reasonings.
I was talking with a good friend last night...known her now for 24 years. Was just being honest and open with her about how I have been feeling. And the thoughts of S****** that have consumed my head lately.
She told me she is learning from the Universe that she cannot try and control anyone but herself. And so, she would not be selfish in saying I should stay and try and get help...she said she would be sad but totally will respect me if that is the decision I come to and if I feel like that is what is best she supported me.
In one way I totally feel validated. Finally, someone who is agreeing with things I have been saying for some time now.
I just started Cymbalta yesterday. Cannot find too many people who have had success with this. And one of the major reactions is the thoughts of suicide can become much more intensified. So, I wonder how this can help.
I call my T to tell her all I am hearing about Cymbalta and she told me to stop researching it online and just see how it works for me. I also told her about what my friend said...her response was she is not validating what she said and she would need to process that whole thing more....
I kind of feel good though, finally, that someone who has known me since I have been 12 and has been around me through the onset of all my mental misery is understanding what it does to me and respecting me if I cannot go on like this anymore.
Anyway, this afternoon I am just all over the place. I was better this morning but now I am thinking all these things.
The pdoc I just met for the first time yesterday I am still trying to decide if I want to go back. I am not sure she will help me.
My T told me I didn't have to answer any questions she had that I didn't want to and when I didn't want to answer a question she got indignant with me. She told me if I wasn't going to talk with her and trust her there was no point in seeing her. I should have just got up right then and left.
Trust is earned...no automatic with me. And not just because you have MD after your name!
I don't know...had to get these lingering thoughts out.
Thanks for listening.