I want so many things for myself. The fact that I actually want ANYTHING, that I'm not completely indifferent to life, is proof that the depression has lessened. Even when it sets in I can feel myself struggling against it harder than I ever did before. It's like the inside of my head is a battlefield, and my true self occasionally gets overwhelmed by something dark, scary and incredibly strong. It wipes me of my energy, but not my desire, and I find myself clinging to that desire in the dark days because it's the only thing I have to hold onto to keep from slipping completely over the edge. That desire is the only thing that FORCES me out of bed some mornings, that FORCES me to class even when I don't want to go, that FORCES me to eat and sleep and bathe and check my emails and write my essays and read my textbooks. I feel like a drone sometimes but I'm doing it, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and even if I'm taking two steps forward, one step back, I still have the sense that I'm actually getting somewhere.

What's awful is I think I'm going to sabotage things for myself. I know exactly what needs to be done and then I don't do it. I don't work hard enough in school. I do okay but not nearly as well as I could. I don't spend enough time on my writing and I'm terrified of letting any one see it, even though I want nothing more than to be a writer. I wrap myself in a protective barrier and won't let anyone in. I don't want to do these things. Even as I withdraw from my life, some part of my is screaming not to do it, but it's like I don't have that kind of control. All I know is that it's safer not to do anything, that the extra effort is only going to get me hurt. My life is full of regrets, and I'm sure there are more to come. I'm sabotaging myself and I don't know how to stop. Determination isn't enough. Rewarding myself isn't enough. I just don't have the willpower to overcome whatever terrible part of me isn't allowing me to live at full capacity. I'm just on autopilot and for some reason I don't understand, I can't force myself to take the controls. I'm headed somewhere good but I have the horrible feeling that I'm going to let it all slip right through my fingers.

I don't want to be this person. I know the person I want to be and this pathetic, terrified little girl isn't it. I want to laugh, I want to have fun, I want to do things I can be proud of and make my mark on the world. I want so badly to straighten out my life but I don't even know where to start. There are so many things I could be doing -- SHOULD be doing -- and I just ... don't. I don't even really know why. I've been told I just have to FORCE myself but at this point it feels a lot like pushing against an elephant to get it to take a step. Maybe I'm just doomed to destroy myself with indifference.