((((Justfloating))))) When you write these things I hear a bright, brave young woman who is amazingly critical of herself. A lot of gifted people develop the attitude that if things aren't perfect, then there's no point doing them in the first place. Anxiety over making mistakes or making the wrong decision is often disguised in procrastination and "Lazyness".
These wouldn't be things you knowingly do. It would be the vague fear that others would be extremely critical of your work (as you might be) or that others would see all your faults and reject you (as some part of yourself might).
If you do saboutage yourself, Justfloating, do you think you would be able to forgive yourself and continue?
Huggs. I really am glad to hear that some ambition and caring is comiing back into your life, but go easy on yourself. You're not the enemy, hon!