(((((justfloating))))))))

I saw your thread title and I thought to myself, "Hey, I do that too! I should definitely read this post".

And so I read your post, and honestly I'm floored. Mostly because I completely understand and you've put into words stuff I've been dealing with myself and I'm so glad that I'm not alone.

But back to you... (I ramble, sorry!)

Sometimes being a drone/zombie/just surviving is all we can do. At least we're still struggling to swim, even when we feel like we're drowning. Sometimes that's all you can do - just survive moment to moment. But of course, you want more than that! (Who wouldn't!)

The driving force to actually make it through shows that you're a strong woman who won't just lay down and let the depression take over you. I have to force myself to do a lot lately, and I'm not nearly as depressed as I've been in the past. Some days are just so ... tiring. (This is the point where I tell you that if you haven't been tested for anemia or had a blood workup done recently to do it because I'm borderline anemic and it does cause issues, especially if you're depressed as well!)

I'm in therapy currently. If you're not seeing a therapist I highly recommend it because there are things you can do to overcome some of what you're experiencing. It just takes a lot of time and some willpower on your part (which is hard to muster up sometimes). My "homework" from therapy is to write about what "fear" is doing in my life. That's one of the reasons I sabotage myself, because I'm afraid. My primary motivation for doing things seems to be based in fear - I'm afraid to succeed because that means change, and I'm afraid of change because that's the unknown and I'm afraid of the unknown because I'm afraid of losing control, and I'm afraid of losing control because I'm afraid I really don't have any control over anything in my own life so I struggle a lot with myself.

Could that be something you identify with? Or parts of it? I also have dealt with a lot of critical people in my family and life, that pushed me so hard that I eventually just gave up. It's easier having everyone expecting me to fail and not pushing me to succeed, than everyone expecting me to succeed and if I wind up failing -- well, that would royally suck! I sabotage myself because I want control over my surroundings and myself and other people trying to control me makes me rebel and do the exact opposite of whatever they want me to be doing. Which means I'm frequently sabotaging myself and not really moving forward. Or it's the two steps forward, one step back. Which is good at least because you're moving forward, just reallllllllly slowly.

You don't have to be this person. You can be whomever you want to be, but first it's easier to figure out what you WANT to be by finding out what you DONT want to be. Make a list of these characteristics. There are also a bunch of self esteem workbooks and books that you could work through, because I'm betting that you're probably similar to me and don't have the greatest self esteem. It helps to not sabotage yourself if you like yourself for who you are first.

One thing I'm also going to share (and like I said - sorry because I do ramble!) is something my therapist taught me. Do NOT "should" or "could" yourself to death. "Shoulding yourself" is not something that is very productive because we wind up devaluing what we've actually accomplished, in favour of what we should have/could have done.

Instead of "I should be doing this" say "I really think this is important to do right now over whatever else I'm currently doing". That's cognitive reframing of sorts, which has to do with cognitive distortions.

Therapy can help. Like I said, if you're not in therapy - find a counsellor/therapist you like, or talk to a religious official if you're religious, or talk to anyone who is willing to help you out and is trained to do so. Trying to change who you currently are is hard work and is a lot harder to do by yourself because you can get stuck in a rut and can't pull yourself out without someone else around!

I know I've written a lot but I really identified with your post since I'm also a woman who's in school and it's freaking hard sometimes... and I just wanted to say that I understand and you're not alone.

And you are NOT NOT NOT "doomed to destroy yourself with indifference". You've identified part of the problem, now it's just more work to work toward a solution.