I am so stupid.

I was being so good.

I was waiting for T reply but feeling very very hopeless today. Then I sent her this email.

This is a rut, and I am spinning my wheels. I am not getting anywhere.

You can't rescue me. I can't rescue me. You won't push me. I can't find my own push.

Can you help me sum up the courage to do what I need to do?

I don't think you can do that for me. I don't think you would, even if I needed that. You can't treat me like a child, even if I need that. I sit alone in my room. I wallow. I wrap myself in my head. I know this is not healthy, but here I am. There are moments where it clears. I think, what should I do instead? Nothing is there. Nothing comes up. And I slip away again.

I don't know if I give a **** anymore. And no one cares anyway. Nothing helps, so I'm pretty sure the problem is just me, my lack of motivation, my laziness. I've been to enough therapists that it becomes clear it's me that's the problem. How many people do I need to see before I figure out that this is hopeless? Tell me what to do, and I will do it, but if you won't tell me what to do, nothing's going to change.

This is not a disorder. I don't even have a disorder. I keep trying to classify what is clearly just a character failing. I just lack self-control. I'm nothing but a follower. I barely exist. And I start to think that none of this is worth anything anyway. I am wasting my time in therapy. I am wasting your time. I am wasting my money. All this pain for nothing. I'm never going to get anywhere with this. If I really wanted to get better, I could do it myself. All the pieces of the puzzle are in front of me. It's all there. It's not like I don't know what I need to do. But still, I'm slipping further away.



I am so stupid. I am so sick of myself.