I don't want to be this person. I know the person I want to be and this pathetic, terrified little girl isn't it. I want to laugh, I want to have fun, I want to do things I can be proud of and make my mark on the world. I want so badly to straighten out my life but I don't even know where to start. There are so many things I could be doing -- SHOULD be doing -- and I just ... don't. I don't even really know why. I've been told I just have to FORCE myself but at this point it feels a lot like pushing against an elephant to get it to take a step. Maybe I'm just doomed to destroy myself with indifference.