my T has been kind of pounding into my head (or trying to, lol) the idea that SI just pushes away the emotional pain of the moment but it'll come back bigger and "badder" later. That works, sometimes, for the times I want to SI in order to stop feeling something.

But yeah, sometimes I do is because I want to feel something, anything. I'm not as numb now as I used to be, being in therapy has helped me change that, but I still get there sometimes. Just saying, I understand, I really do. And SI might be something to feel right now, but then later I'm feeling the guilt & shame that come with it, and that I *don't* want to feel.

It's a vicious cycle, as I'm sure you know. So many hugs for you.