Hey Crowncrown,
Welcome to PC!

I wanted to talk a little bit about your post... One thing that really stood out to me is that you said "he really does not find me beautiful." Has he ever come out and said this to you? Or even hinted to you that he doesn't find you beautiful? I ask these questions because, well, frankly, even though my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful, and I'm constantly asking for reassurance that he does indeed find me pretty, I think in my heart of hearts, I dont believe him. You said it yourself that your boyfriend does not give you any reason to doubt him or his honesty (except past relationships, which should not necessarily define your relationship); perhaps your insecurities are coming from within and are being projected out onto the relationship? I know you said you aren't insecure, but I find that emotions and feelings, especially subconscious ones, come in many disguises (I have been guilty of misnaming and misplacing emotions for months until I'm finally ready to deal with what they really represent). I'm not trying to make any judgment calls, I dont know you, your boyfriend, or the situation to make any assumptions. I'm simply pulling from one statement that your mentality sounds a lot like mine. I would suggest talking to him, telling him all of your fears and anxieties, and see how he responds. If you are going to marry him, then you need to be open with him. Hopefully you guys can work on whatever the issue really is (him cheating or your misplaced anxiety) and move forward, whatever path that may be.

I hope I didn't come off as harsh, and I'm really sorry if I did. Just trying to help the only way I know how!

Best wishes,
Ro