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**There are things in this that could trigger please take your own safety in mind**
I feel like I am nothing but selfish, useless, and just self centered person who doesn’t do enough for others. I feel like I am nothing but a bother to everyone and how I feel like people think all I do is complain and don’t help enough.
As for my eating, I am feeling weak and lost. I am trying to eat but I feel like I don’t deserve to eat at all. I am trying to learn that it is a have to. I am at times going a day without food and I know I shouldn’t. I know that I need to eat. There are other days I am able to eat alright. I am working on it. I am shaky a lot of the time, and there are many times that I am very dizzy. There are times where I will be perfectly fine and within seconds feel like the world is spinning. I am grateful to be teaching because at least the days that I see the students I eat some. My struggle is nights, or days off, or non student contact days, or weekends. There are many times day and night where my whole chest is just pounding. I don’t know if it is anxiety or if it is something related to my Eating.
Self image- this is not going well. I am trying to see myself in a more positive note, but all I am doing is making things worse I am afraid. I still very much hate how I look and how I feel. I am going to keep trying to fight but I just don’t know how.
As for anxiety, this has been a big concern of mine lately. I am having regular panic attacks. Most are small but if I go a day without a big panic attack we are doing good. I have been losing more and more time in life due to the fact that I just freak out and can’t handle so others have to take over. I don’t mean for this to happen. I am losing sleep due to the anxiety. I am also struggling to focus on anything around me for more then a few minutes before I panic.
Depression- this is also back in full force. I am back to hiding out and feeling very lonely and feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I am refusing to see or really talk to my friends, instead I just hide in my apt and try to ignore that the world is going on around me. I feel like I am totally lost and am slowly being forgotten about. I know something does not feel right but I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to turn things around.
As for self injury- I am not cutting anymore and haven’t in months. Now I am still doing some behaviors but none as bad as cutting but I am working out it.
School- I am working full time and love my job it is a hard job but I love the kids and I love what I do. But I am also taking 2 masters classes and I am just burned out and not dealing with school well this semester. I am doing well in the classes but it is just taking all of the little energy that I have out of me.
Sleep- As I have said this is iffy. I will go days with very little sleep then I will have times where all I want to do is sleep. I am so far from having a normal sleep schedule that I am not sure what to do there.
Other- I am losing a lot of time, sometimes days. I am still not too accepting of having others with me but I am learning to handle it slowly. My head gets sooo loud at times I just want to yell or hide away. I feel like I am not me and a lot of the time I feel like I am just watching the world go by. There is so much I want to say here but I am soo scared.
Some of the things that scare me are the times where I wake up talking to animals like unicorns or fairies. These are part of my safe world in my head but to wake up talking to them is getting a little odd. I know this is pretty normal for things going on in my head but it is scary. The flashbacks and nightmares are really starting to get to me.
Sensory issues- these are getting worse. I am becoming very sensitive to touch and to different textures.
I am lucky that I have an online T that is very understanding and very calm about things. She waits for me to be ready and only pushes as far as she thinks that I can make it safely. She is there for me a lot.
I feel there is sooo much to be said and not enough time to say it all.
So for now I will stop babbling.
Thanks for reading, if you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know I feel I am at the end of the line.
Doll
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