|
Nov 09, 2009, 08:26 PM
|
|
|
I am so tired, what an emotional session. I started out by asking T what she got out of the hug from last session, and what she gets out of our relationship. Of course, T being T, she wanted to ask me more questions before giving me an answer – I’m used to that by now.  So she asked away, and I answered, how that hug made me feel so warm and cared for, and how I feel like a big ball of need who’s taking and taking and taking and not giving anything back. T asked what I think she has gotten out of this, and I said that I guess she gets joy out of helping people if she loves what she does. T pointed out that I seem to feel guilty about being needy on one hand, but how I was able to just let in that the hug was all for me on the other hand – this was after I told T that part of why the hug felt so good was because there was nothing attached to it, T was hugging me just to hug me, she didn’t expect anything in return, and that was not how hugs were in my childhood with my mother – they still aren’t that way! T did tell me that she gets to know herself better with every challenge and opportunity that patients present to her, and that this is why sometimes she tells me she has to think about a question and get back to me, because she doesn’t want to give a pat response but wants to really think about it and see what that brings up for her, and what her response means about herself.
I told T how her look of empathy and her hug really made me feel so safe, and how sad I was to realize that I didn’t feel safe as a child – big tears here.  I told T that little me had written her two letters, and I offered to read them to her – I could tell she was excited. I just couldn’t get up the courage to ask her to sit next to me, though – it just didn’t feel right in that moment. So I read both letters to her, including the part that said, “I love you” – she didn’t bring it up, though she did ask a few other questions. She did look moved, and she said the letters were beautiful – later, she told me that she felt honored to be the recipient of those letters and to have maybe played a part in inspiring them.  T said that writing as little me is a great tool to access my feelings from my childhood. I brought up how I was reluctant to read the “I love you” part – T said she could tell in my voice when I read it. I told T that adult me feels like it’s inappropriate to tell her that I love her, but little me has this very pure love for her – T said she could feel that. Amazing.  So then I got a little gushy and told T that I thank God that I found her (more tears) – T said this is all very precious, and that she is glad she can create a sacred space for me to get out my feelings. I told T that part of me just wanted to come in today and lie on her couch and cry – T said I could do that if I wanted, I said I might one day! I did tell T that I’d want a hug again today, so as I was leaving, T stood up and asked, “Hug?” and I nodded, and we hugged – it was a good hug, not quite as good as last time, but good – I said, “Thank you” but couldn’t look T in the eye after we hugged. I was surprised that I was nowhere near crying as we hugged, it just felt good and safe, but I was afraid I might start crying if I looked at T after we hugged.
T wondered how it was that I never felt safe as a child, and she wondered how it was that my parents weren’t affectionate with me. I said that they were somewhat, but T said something was missing, something didn’t get through, so we talked about that some, how I felt like I always had to be on guard not just for myself, but to protect my brother against my mother’s rages that would come out of nowhere.
I did have a moment where I really broke down crying as I told T about a scary flashback I had, how I wasn’t sure what it meant – I could tell that T was concerned, but she didn’t make a big deal out of it, she said we’d just keep going with therapy and see what comes of it. I told T how it’s strange that as soon as I felt safe, this flashback came to me – T said she was thinking the same thing. T asked how I felt after I shared that, I said “Drained and overwhelmed”, and I do feel that way still. T said I was very courageous today.  I told T that I’m so glad that I’m going back on Wednesday. It will be good because T will have had time to think it all over, and I won’t have so much to get out, so T can help me process it all more.
|