I had my session w/T today & we talked quite a bit about the SI, since I had indicated it on my diary card. This is not something new & we have talked about it a lot, so she knows that I understand the reasons why I do it, but we talked about the deeper feelings too, the self hate & the punishment involved, the things that come into play later after that initial rush has faded. That was a side of SI that I have not talked openly with T about before, so it was good I think.

She wanted me to come home & be on the phone with someone while I gather up all the blades in my apt & throw them away in the dumpster, and then call and let her know when I had done it, but I'm not going to do it, I don't think. And I'm not sure why, only that I'm emotionally exhausted already & just don't want to deal with it tonight.