i'm sorry i keep starting threads and not going back to respond. there's too much going on right now that i'm stuck in avoidance mode. so here's a new situation instead
.
so:
- i have 2 exams until i finish my degree and go on to honours.
- i only need a pass (an absolute bare 50) in both of these subjects to be guaranteed a spot in honours & finish this pass degree.
- i would have to actively sabotage my exam attempt (purposely choose incorrect answers) in order to fail.
- the first exam is in 11hrs. that's 11hrs i could revise and possibly move my grade from a 'pass' to a 'credit', if not a distinction.
- i've been working for 7 years towards these final 2 days, and i will hate myself if i have to repeat next year.
AND YET: the perfectionism thing is killing me. i've already decided now i'm not going to go. at this absolute core level of who i am, i believe it's better for me to go 'well' in 1 exam (and absent fail the other) than to get mediocre marks in both. so i'm going to skip the exam that's scheduled for 1pm today, and instead work through and study for the second exam. this will no doubt lead to a summer long depression of self hatred & shame as the prospect of spending
yet another year repeating a subject sinks in. but somehow even that would be worth the feeling of going in to the 2nd exam feeling better prepared.
i feel stuck. rational deli knows this is stupid, but core-deli will not cope if she doesn't go well. she still obsesses about some stupid assessment she did about 3 years ago (in which she got a 96 as her final grade) because she wants to figure that final 4-mark problem out. it's not just a vague "oh, i wonder how to fix it", it gets obsessive to the point where i need to self harm to make myself stop thinking about it. thankfully there have been many other unresolved problems since, so now at least i have a variety to obsess/ponder over.
funnily enough, the subject i will attempt is abnormal psychology. and, oh look, the last lecture is completely on OCPD. Austin-T told me in our first session that he had it. we kind of refer to my problems as "obsessive-compulsive", but he doesn't think it's a personality thing just yet. i've never actually bothered to read up on OCPD properly before, but now that i have i'm like
that's me.
Quote:
A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:- Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
- Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)
- Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)
- Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)
- Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value
- Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
- Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes
- Shows rigidity and stubbornness
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maybe i have the last one too, lol. but i'm too stubborn to admit to it (austin-T and i talked about my stubbornness just recently, and i was like "go away").
i don't really care if i actually have the diagnosis or not, but i guess having those criterion set out there helps me see where to improve. not that i really want to improve, though. i dont want to give up the perfectionism thing.
i probably have made
some improvements. i have tried to go out more and see my friends (there used to be a point where i wouldn't socialise with anyone outside of uni or work hours, because i needed to study). i can sometimes write my lecture notes messy now and not go home and rewrite them. i even handed in an essay this semester that only addressed one particular theory (we were encouraged to discuss two theories for good marks), but i ran out of time and Austin-T challenged me to hand it in anyway. i got 98% for that and still topped the grade. i feel like shooting myself because of all the effort i put in to researching the 2nd theory, which i didnt end up using.
***mega mega sui trigger - but please note i'm not actually intending to do anything, ok?***
i get suicidal about this stuff, but that's also where the joke lies. i'm too much of a perfectionist to actually go through and attempt - too preoccupied with what will go wrong. i have lists of
exactly what i need to do and a timeline in which to do it. right down to the point of: catch the 11.03am bus to x stop, wear this particular outfit, carry this amount of money in your wallet etc. heck, i even schedule a "run through" session the week prior (if i intend to attempt on a tuesday, i'll run through everything on the tuesday prior), so i can make sure everything will work as i've planned (obviously without the lethal end bit
). the "closest" i've ever come to an attempt (hah) was in april this year when i actually did go through with my run through plan. right at the end though something had changed, and it just through my whole plan out of whack & i was too distressed to figure out a solution (assess if this presented a potential risk to completion & how to accomodate it), and so i threw the whole plan away. of course i have a simpler, less risk-prone plan now.
if i just had the tiniest amount of impulsivity i could go through with it right now, but no - there's a whole bloody list of things i have to do first, in a proper order, in a particular way etc.
the protective irony of my perfectionism isn't lost on me here.
***end fun filled triggers!!***
i dont know what to do. i sent Austin-T a txt on monday telling him i wanted to give up, and he replied to try and keep my expectations realistic. eh? screw realistic, i want perfect, so i didnt reply. he sent me another txt an hour later saying maybe i could try one exam. an hour later - "the easier exam". so i said maybe i could do that. but it's almost 3am now, and the exam is ~30hrs away, and i suppose i have to sleep/eat/shower at some point, and i'm starting to panic that i can't even do that. and i'm scared to tell austin-T, or to tell pdoc, because they're going to get angry at me. already i'm going to have to face my parents cracking the shits tomorrow when i dont go to the first exam, i cant deal with more ppl being displeased.
oh, the hardships that i face
.