I don't know much about OCPD but isn't there any way rational deli can go to the exam? Core deli can have her meltdown after if she needs to but why does she have to win out and sabotage rational deli? It doesn't really seem fair to her. Besides how do you know that core deli won't cope - aren't you doing her quite an injustice by saying all these things? I know you said you feel stuck but you also said you have made a decision not to go to the exams so which one is it? Maybe it is me not understanding the situation properly but i'm confused. I dunno i'm learning that sometimes we can feel stuck in a place but have to make different choices to get out of it....or we can just repeat the whole senario over and over again and stay stuck. It is hard, i repeat the same behaviour over and over again because it is 'easier' to do so too.
I may be completely wrong here, afterall i don't know a thing about OCPD but do you think by not going you are unconsciously rewarding yourself? I'm probably way off the mark but I know when i look closer at the destructive things i do i generally tend to get something positive out of it - yep even with SH...you said you SH in order to stop thinking about everything, it may be damaging but what you got from it was a positive thing (in your eyes). I dunno, i'm probably completely off the mark. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't really matter what I say or anyone else on here says or your therapist because we're not living your life and it is your decision to make.

ps - do you laugh about suicidal plans in real life? Sometimes i know we laugh out of embarrassment and shame, or sometimes i get scared and so i laugh but i really just want people to hear that i'm serious. I think your plans are very serious and i don't think you need to laugh about them on here. Just because you aren't going to go through with it doesn't mean it isn't important and serious.

Sorry if i've offended you in anyway during this post, i totally didn't mean to if i have. It is quite hard to get the tone of posts sometimes and i'm not sure if you are looking for advice or understanding or agreement. Plus i get really confused sometimes.