...scum. I feel like the worst person in the world.

I didn't cut this time, but in my eyes what I did was far, far worse.

I hadn't ate all day...and then friends invited me out drinking so I went. I guess I had too much becuz half the night I don't remember at all. The other parts are little faded memories in and out....a snap shot of me crying on the concrete outside some bar...another of me stumbling in a dark neighborhood alone...lost....not knowing where the f*** I am or how I got there....or why I'm alone. Then, somehow...I still am torturing myself trying to figure it out...I'm at my car, which was (in my sense of direction) miles away from where I had been lost. Then, I drive home (I already know how lucky I am to make it safely in my condition.) Stumble up my stairs, then sit in my hallway crying, so ANGRY at myself...I wanted to cut. I grabbed my blade...holding it to my leg. But my roommate was there, so he talked to me, got me to stop. So instead I kicked a hole through my wall. I was so, so angry...I still am...I don't know why I got so drunk or why I act the way I do when I'm drunk. But I feel completely and utterly sick about what I did. It makes me hate myself even more...and feel even less worthy of any friends. I feel like I should just stay in my room forever because atleast then I won't hurt anyone, except myself. I'm ok with hurting myself...but I never, ever, ever want to hurt another human being.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm trying to ignore what happened and move on. I already patched up the hole I kicked...but a patch won't really fix my problem will it? That hole is still there...it's just hidden from view...hidden from people to judge....eventually someone will bump it and kick it in again....then I'll have problems.

Anyway....I've been needing a good rant about what happened...I have no one to really talk to about it becuz I'm afraid what they'll do if I tell them.

Does anyone have any advice? I really would love to see a therapist, but I can't pay for it. My mom is taking me off insurance this month because I'm not a full time student anymore. I'm suppose to be graduating in a month too so going to the school counselor won't help much becuz I won't be eligible to continue seeing her shortly anyway! AHHHH