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Nov 10, 2009, 03:56 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 2,570
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamseeker
how I feel like a big ball of need who’s taking and taking and taking and not giving anything back. T asked what I think she has gotten out of this, and I said that I guess she gets joy out of helping people if she loves what she does. T pointed out that I seem to feel guilty about being needy on one hand, but how I was able to just let in that the hug was all for me on the other hand – this was after I told T that part of why the hug felt so good was because there was nothing attached to it, T was hugging me just to hug me, she didn’t expect anything in return, and that was not how hugs were in my childhood with my mother – they still aren’t that way! T did tell me that she gets to know herself better with every challenge and opportunity that patients present to her, and that this is why sometimes she tells me she has to think about a question and get back to me, because she doesn’t want to give a pat response but wants to really think about it and see what that brings up for her, and what her response means about herself.
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Your t is very special. I know Ive said that before. The more you post about her, the more I love her.
I can relate very much to hugs with strngs attached. I experienced that from my mother, as well. The hugs, as I experienced them, were to comfort her and to make sure she was OK. I also feel not comfortable when hugs are for me Again, with not deserving comfort or caring.
Im so glad you could expereince this with t. And that she is so right there with you and so aware of her own feelings and that the hug and nurturing was for YOU. WOW! Im in awe.
Quote:
I told T how her look of empathy and her hug really made me feel so safe, and how sad I was to realize that I didn’t feel safe as a child – big tears here.  I told T that little me had written her two letters, and I offered to read them to her – I could tell she was excited. I just couldn’t get up the courage to ask her to sit next to me, though – it just didn’t feel right in that moment. So I read both letters to her, including the part that said, “I love you” – she didn’t bring it up, though she did ask a few other questions. She did look moved, and she said the letters were beautiful – later, she told me that she felt honored to be the recipient of those letters and to have maybe played a part in inspiring them.  T said that writing as little me is a great tool to access my feelings from my childhood. I brought up how I was reluctant to read the “I love you” part – T said she could tell in my voice when I read it. I told T that adult me feels like it’s inappropriate to tell her that I love her, but little me has this very pure love for her – T said she could feel that. Amazing.  So then I got a little gushy and told T that I thank God that I found her (more tears) – T said this is all very precious, and that she is glad she can create a sacred space for me to get out my feelings. I told T that part of me just wanted to come in today and lie on her couch and cry – T said I could do that if I wanted, I said I might one day! I did tell T that I’d want a hug again today, so as I was leaving, T stood up and asked, “Hug?” and I nodded, and we hugged – it was a good hug, not quite as good as last time, but good – I said, “Thank you” but couldn’t look T in the eye after we hugged. I was surprised that I was nowhere near crying as we hugged, it just felt good and safe, but I was afraid I might start crying if I looked at T after we hugged.
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I teared up when I was reading this. I wanted to highlight and copy a part of it, but I couldnt leave anything out it touched me so. It is beautiful the way T is so close with Little Dreamer and she understands her so well. I am happy for Little Dreamer and for you.
I always say how much I love your T and how good she is, but, Dream, I so strongly believe it is your willingness to be open and express what you need even tho it is scary and you will be vulnerable. I love how you are learning that it is OK to be vulnerable and that you are safe.
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