I am coming out of a depression crash. As I peek out into the world again I notice my view has changed. When I look in the mirror I see a stronger person; someone who can now acknowledge her weaknesses and admit her fragile side. I am resilient and it is that character trait that I call upon when I am in the depths of despair. But when I am "in it" I can't see or feel the resilience--and that very word seems foreign to me. But today I feel it. T says that when I reconstitute after these crashes I come back stronger. Whew! But I think this is part of the integration of the fragile self. I always went through life thinking I was just as tough as nails, that nothing could bother me, or break me. Now I know that is because I was broken--it was a knee-jerk reaction to the threat of disintegration or the act of dissociation.

It is through the relationship that I heal, and I am most grateful for it. I never thought I needed anyone, but now I know that we cannot do it alone. We are social beings. It's funny because yesterday in session I was so full of hope and gratitude while last week when I was still quite depressed, I was avoiding T big time. I was even playing with my cell phone in session, pretending to look for something to show him. Oy.

I hope this recovery lasts a while.