To make a long story short, I was contacted via facebook, several months ago by my abuser's younger sister. I last heard from her or anyone in her family 20 years ago. She knows nothing about the abuse. This has triggered major flashbacks, trauma symptoms and lots of new memories that I had repressed, and it has caused me to return to si once.

On the good news front, my overt trauma symptoms have calmed down so at least I'm not jumping out of my chair everytime someone sneezes in the office.

But I am at the rage stage. My T calls it progress. I call it scary and uncomfortable. I don't know how to express rage appropriately, and I know I'm capable of physical violence. I once pulled a knife on my father to make him back off when he was drunk, and once at a party I barely restrained myself from throwing someone down a flight of stairs when they grabbed my arms. I keep a very tight leash on myself for this reason.

I am having fantasy's about getting on a plane to Winnipeg and shooting my abuser. I will not do this.

My T wants to me to let my child ego state be free to express her rage while I visualize holding her, and sit with the feeling. My T assures me if I do this the feelings will pass. I want to believe my T, but it just feels so overwhelming.

In short I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by feelings and memories.

--splitimage