ok. proper post-sleep update . replies in this post, austin-t session in next.

i appreciate everyone telling me to take the exams. i know you all want what's best for me. but it's like... i just can't, yknow? i dont know to explain it, because i know it's not rational. part of it is fear, for sure, but there's this other part that feels like... i'd be breaking out of my skin... it's just not me. i dont know. it's distress to the highest degree. i dont know how to cope with it.

impy - i get what you're saying, but it's not about being "the best". not in that competitive, or comparative way. it's more this idea that i need to be my best. i need to reach my potential. there have been subjects where i have received a mark of 70 and been ecstatic, because i know i could not possibly have gone better. and, like you, i commonly ask for explanations on why I'm getting As. a part of me is thinking nothing i've ever written is "good enough" for an A, and then the other part is wondernig how to make it a "better" A. yknow, i do still get upset about my high school marks. pdoc keeps telling me that i tried my best under the circumstances, and it helps. but i do go back to feeling like it wasn't good enough. for what, i dont know.

abby - thank you for your whole post. i dont think you sound confused, i think you sound like the sort of person i need to talk to more often . i need to start looking at it in this way - letting rational deli get her way sometimes too. she almost always loses out. and yes, you're right - i AM rewarding myself - i'm avoiding my fear of failure (in whatever way i define it). better to be in control of failing (by not trying) than to try and still fail, right?

re: suicide plans. i have a black sense of humour (when it comes to myself) - it's a way of coping, i guess. and also i try to keep things "light" here on PC, because i don't think it's fair to be serious when the ppl here are so limited in terms of the support they can offer (just because it's an online medium - not because ppl here aren't capable!). and i dont want ppl to worry about me.
in "real life"... the only ppl i really tell are pdoc or my therapist. and even then i tend to downplay it, although i do try to be more serious. e.g., so i will say i'm having "thoughts", but i wont say that i'm having "plans". i feel guilty for making ppl worry. i dont think it's fair.