austin-T session update.

i'm feeling really mixed about how it went.

he sent me a txt saying good luck, and i had just been about to call him, so i replied instead and mentioned sui thoughts. he said he could see me at 4pm.

i have this big problem when i'm in sui thoughts territory about worrying if i am even worth someone else's time. i just feel like a nothing, or worse than nothing (i harm other ppl merely by my presence?) so it's this constant pull of whether it's ok to take up an appt or not. i told austin-t all of this and he just said to let him know at 3pm whether i wanted to or not.

well, obviously i went. he asked me what was happening and i told him about sui thoughts. he told me he never tries to talk someone out of suicide and then changed the subject.

we did talk about a lot of stuff that needs speaking about. but i guess those 2 things really bother me. he's asked me to call him on friday, and i will, so i guess i will be ok until then. but just... feeling like i'm too worthless to live, and then having your therapist say he never talks ppl out of suicide... i dont know what to make of it. his policy has me curious (intellectually) and also feeling mega rejected on a more immediate level. but then i think he did talk to me about other stuff and tried to help. and he did try to give me the session pro bono. and he did tell me that he only works with ppl he thinks has potential and that he's rejected other clients who he thinks aren't worth his while. but that just says i have potential, not that i'm a worthwhile person right now.

i dont know. we talked a lot about my mum and my sisters and my dad and how they've been interacting with me over the past week. he wants me to move out based on that alone . he said it doesnt matter if i finish my degree now or not, he just wants me to move out. i feel sad because i havent told him about the "bigger" stuff. a bit of silent treatment here and there is ok, i thought. like, obviously it's messing me up, but i didnt think it was something worth moving out over.

he did help me about my friends. i think that's why the big sui thoughts started. i cant keep facing them each time i havent done an exam. he said just to send them a txt saying i didnt finish and i dont want to talk about it. 2 of them have already replied and one is meeting me for dinner tomorrow. i think that's so nice. i keep worrying they will reject me because i keep ****ing up.

i am meant to see my boss on friday. i dont know what to say to her, though. i dont really want to go and i dont know if i can anyway if i'm meant to see austin-t then instead. i stopped working there in april because i was too ill (depressed, not moving etc) and i was going to return next week over summer. she loves me so much, and she's been so good to me to let me just drop work like that. i dont want her to know i've ****ed up again. i want to be reliable for her. so i dont know what to do.

i also havent told pdoc, but im not so worried about that. given that he doesnt really care if i go to our appts or not, i probably dont have to let him know.