I won't get into the long story of what happened so I'll just give the cliff note version.
I had a PTSD episode a few days ago and contacted T. She contacted me back the next morning and i was very displeased with her response. I almost never contact her when I'm in crisis and thought that this was what therapy is for.. contacting T when things get to be too much. I had sent T and email a few days ago about seeing a doctor and i still didn't get a response. From that day we have had a series of miscommunication that resulted in a huge rupture. I did something that i shouldn't have done and that was send T an email of everything that i had kept bottled up. I regret that as i don't usually rely on that as a form of communication for that particular thing. I was angry when i sent the email to T, but I thought the anger wasn't projected at her. The more I read the email in retrospect, i guess it was. Anyway, when I got to session last night, T did not greet me the way she normally does or even get up to close her door. She had this stern/wounded look on her face and her eyes were red. She didn't even say hello. I had intended to clarify what i wrote and talk with T about this in person. I need to be assertive and explain why i wrote what i did. However I shut down immediately. T said the email sounded visceral and like a slap in the face. She said that she would prefer to never receive that sort of information via email ever again. I understand and apologized as I shouldn't have sent an email anyway. I sat in silence most of the time and it felt as if you could cut the tension with a knife. I do remember asking T why we haven't covered much of the PTSD and she said that I couldn't handle it and it would be dangerous. After that, she recommended that I see another T that specializes in that if I want to work on that. I remember a few months back, T said that I should be more angry at her. I should be getting angry a lot more often. The way she looked when i went to address that email was heartbreaking and I felt sooo incredibly guilty and sad. It seemed that she was ready for me to attack her and seemed very defensive. I feel that I can never be angry with T again..and I won't. She even teared up a few times. I cried at many points during that session. I will take all the blame for what happened and yes, maybe some of the anger directed at her was unjust. I will also go on to say as a reminder to never use email as a form of communication. You should own up to your feelings and bring all of that with you in session. This is my first and last time.I still feel like we have a lot to resolve regarding the email as I still didn't have the courage to read it in front of her, because of how T reacted. We were able to hug at the end and repair some of what went wrong, but i still feel extreme sadness and guilt. I wonder if we can ever repair this rift between us? Please let me know what i could next time to prevent this from happening. I know i was in the wrong, so please let me know where I went wrong.