(((katileena)))

There are mental health clinics that base their fees on patient's income in every state & most counties of U.S. Try that avenue. If the local sliding scale fee mental health clinic wants more than you can pay, start with a counselor at your school. They can at least direct you to local resources when the time comes.

Try not to focus on what you did the other night. When the shame and self-hate kick in, remind yourself that we all make mistakes sometimes. We aren't evil. We don't deserve the misery that we put ourselves through for those mistakes either. We need to work hard to forgive ourselves and let it go. If letting go only works for moments at a time, then that we need to accept that, and continue to work upon accepting. When the dark thoughts enter your mind, snap a rubber band around your wrist; rub an ice cube; some kind of physical change to snap you out of the negative pattern you may find yourself in.

Hope that this post helps you in some way. I can relate to the emotions you're struggling with. I often battle these very dark feelings too, and am merely in the beginning of recognizing these tendencies I have. It is a long road, I presume, but admitting and working on the problem/s with a professional is a wonderful beginning.

Shez