(might trigger)

This weekend I had to go to a conference for all of the apprentices in science and engineering in Oregon. I was a little nervous cause I don't like social situations because they often trigger me, but I was looking forward to being away from work. I managed to do really well for the first part. A lot of people started conversations with me and despite the boring seminars I was having fun. There was a swimming pool and games there that night and I was so thrilled cause I haven't been swimming in soooo long. For the most part I relaxed in the pool and then decided to go into the hot tub. There were a few people and I was doing fine...not for long. Because of past experiences I was extremely on edge because of the older man in there. As soon as I sat down he couldn't take his eyes off my breasts. I wanted to let the water relax my ankle (which I hurt during the day) but I started to shake and realized I had to get out of there. I left and took a shower and cried and now it is all I think about. I'm going throuhg complete paranoia, and every little thing is setting me off. I keep the fan on high to drown out most suttle noises but I am so tired and I want to shut my eyes but all it does is make me have flashbacks and scare the heck ouit of me. I don't know what to do. To top it off my mind keeps saying that I deserved those looks. I was asking for it by wearing that bathing suit. I keep trying to remind myself that it is not a provocative swimsuit and that I did nothing to attract his attention, but I can't help feeling like I deserve it and that it is all my fault?