Yes, rainbow, as you and sunrise both suggest I think part of what is squashing me emotionally is the sense of insecurity. Will this appointment actually take place, or will I show up again and be told to go home? And once I resume with her, will I engage fully only to find out that we won't be able to continue for very long?

I guess it is standard procedure to be guarded in the face of possible disappointment. And my lack of a positive response is very typical of me. No excitement means no letdown. I often say to people who wonder at my lack of enthusiasm "I don't do excited."