I've been wanting to try it for awhile, and I finally got up the nerve tonight - I told T that I wanted to try lying on the couch! So T automatically turned her chair sideways - I looked at her in confusion. T thought I meant that I wanted to try the traditional psychoanalysis way, but I said oh no - I just want to curl up on my side and still look at T! So I did that, lasted that way for about half the session - I felt more vulnerable in that position, and I noticed that it was easier for me to not keep eye contact with T. It was different, but I'm glad I tried it! T encouraged me to move around the room however I want.

We talked about a lot, most of it follow-up to Monday's session. We went back to me feeling guilty for taking and not giving anything - T said I'm the patient, my role is to be taken care of, but we discussed how that's hard for me because as a child, I wasn't freely taken care of by my mother like a child should be by her mother. I told T that I always keep my phone near me on session days because I'm afraid she's going to call and cancel, even though she's never done that, she's only changed our session times twice. T wondered if I'm feeling like I want to see her more than she wants to see me. We talked through why I might feel that way, I keep feeling like I'm taking too much from T. I finally got up the courage to press T and asked her if she benefits from our relationship. T said that even though our relationship is new, that I am very open with her, and that means a lot. And T also said again how the letters from my child self were beautiful and very touching - T said that for me to open up this different part of myself to her like that means a lot to her.

I have to say, when T said that our relationship is still new, I remembered how she said the same thing back in August, and I was so upset by it, thinking it meant that she didn't know me and that I wasn't working hard enough. This time when she said it, I actually agreed with her, and I was happy to hear it - go figure! I feel like we still are getting to know each other, even after 7 months, and that she's still winning my trust, even though I'm very open with her. And it means that there's a lot of good stuff yet to come!

So I feel better, because I was feeling very sad and confused after last session. And even better, I see T twice next week because I had to cancel my session the Wednesday before Thanksgiving - yay!

ETA: I even told T that I was worried that I'd annoy her if I keep asking for hugs - she assured me that I won't. So I asked for a hug at the end, rather bashfully - it was a good one, T even rubbed my back a bit. T said she has no problem with hugs - lucky me!