sure i did poorly in 9-10 grade in high school. i was really into tagging and chillen and skating with my homies at my school. i didnt do any work at school and my grades were terrible so i got kicked out and transfered to options for youth which is homeschool. i spent my last 2 years of highschool with the options program spending everday at home in my room doing packets daily so that i could graduate on time. i had a girlfriend at the time for a year or so and overtime it goes worse with her and all it became was sex and not one bit love. i was treated like **** yet still used for my body. i thought i was in love with this girl aswell as she did to me but it was merely a hook up once night which turned into a fake relationship based on sex til one day we became just friends yet we still had sex and such and then later down the road she was just over it entirely and we fought more and more and finally we cut it off completely. the whole time w this girl i was nothing but nice regard of how ****** i was treated or talked to and i dont know if i should have been. its been a year or two since i was with this girl and i was 18 at the time and she was 15. i know it was a mistake from the start since i met her and hooked up with her the same night and asked her to be my gf. ive talked to around 5 girls since her but i just dont feel the same except for a girl now ive been talking too since 2 weeks before i moved to back to canada. i truely experienced love with her and i now know what love is and what a real girl / partner should be like and she is 18 and im 19 except that i live in canada now and shes stuck in california. ever since options and spending 2 years everyday in my room alone working by myself on packets listening to music watching tv playing w my dog and on the computer i kinda just died over time and became depressed. i was put on medication for depression and anxiety and later down the road i took zoloft and remeron which later led me to attempt suicide which led me to go to the hospital. another time i attempted suicide i dont know if i was on meds or not but again i was put in the hospital where they blamed the zoloft and put me on abilify and prozac which didnt seem to do anything for me nor did i want it to do anything for me. i tried therapy but i didnt work i saw around 5 different therapists and only one psychiartrist who concluded that i was wasting mine and his time because i didnt let the meds work nor did i want them too. after all of this i was off meds for a while and just slowly died more and started to treat my mother terribly and i now feel awful about it. she kicked me out and i moved to canada to live w my brother where i dont know anyone and i pretty much am stuck doing the same things that i did for those 2 years i spent in my room. i got accepted to a school for cullinary arts in kingston which is 3 hours from where i live w my brother now and it is also 15 minutes from where my sister lives. i wasnt happy about getting accepted nor was i sad i just wasnt sure what to do or expect. i dont really care about the future or what it holds i would be fine dying today and think nothing of it but i know that it would kill my family and all of those around me but i dont have any intentions of killing me so dont get worried or the wrong idea because in my eyes im already dead i just have to live life like this almost like a zombie or the living dead you could say. i filter out good thigns and dwell upon the negatives and i overgeneralize and such leaving me to close a lot of doors. i dont feel good or bad i almost dont feel anything i dont know what feeling is when really i do and have felt love and such form my girl in cali but i just filter it negatively so that i can just be at ease and not feel anything. hope this helps