Well, i mean, I don't know... There have been several times when I thought I've had this figured out, which led me to thinking I knew what to do about it, but I always ended up back here,and maybe this is just a rerun of those times. I'm starting to really question if this is really a problem, especially since I don't do it all the time. Only when I feel like I ABSOLUTELY need it, and that's not all the time--anywhere between several weeks to several months, though it's more often than not several months. I can be really down, but unless I have no idea what else to do about it, I can usually deal with it. But I think I'm starting to just accept these down times, coping techniques and all... I feel like I'd be giving a part of myself up if I try to get rid of it. I understand that it's not exactly good for me, but who decides what is bad for me to do or not do? Ok, maybe I might have problems communicating my emotions to others, maybe there's underlying issues, but I'm not killing myself. Loved ones don't know about it, so I haven't hurt anyone else. It's not controlling my life; it just takes up a part of my time ONLY when I need it. And wouldn't alcohol be the same way? I mean, people consider it generally ok if someone gets drunk EVERY once in a while, VERY few times, maybe even if someone is having a really hard time and needs a break, and it's not exactly healthy for you--in fact it's bad for you, but it's much more socially accepted because so many people drink it and enjoy it. It's only bad when it becomes a constant thing, right? I mean, practically everything can be bad for you if it's not done in moderation and done for the wrong reasons. Drinking alcohol is basically a form of disguised SI--it kills brain cells and can screw up the liver, but people just don't see the potential/already occuring damage because the SI part is hiding behind inebriation and all that fun stuff. SI is just like the final point of arrival for alcohol--the body's ultimate self-destruction--but because SI skips the inebriation and all the fun stuff, it's seen as being really bad. People just don't see what we get out of it, and in that way it's misunderstood, maybe it's really not as bad as society makes it out to be... It's actually a very controlled response, right? Depending on how it's done and how often and why...better than losing control and killing oneself, right? I'd rather be in control of my pain when I feel out of control, just when I need it, some of the time, than have my lack of control manifest itself in every other aspect of my life, like the little things I might do that people can see and may find annoying or see as controlling or "bossy", or the big things--god forbid, I don't know if it'd really happen--like completely losing it because I feel so out of control and have no means of feeling in control again. Because I worry that's what might happen if I were to give up my means of control--my SI. I don't want it to manifest where others can see it--I want it where only I can see it. I want to know what is so bad about wanting to be in control of my pain if no one else is being affected by it? I'm not making it my mission to go out and hurt the world--I keep it hidden so I don't hurt anyone else. What makes SI so much different than drinking alcohol on a bad day? Or indulging in vast quantities of junk food every once in a while to feel better? Only difference between SI and these things is that SI isn't as socially accepted, but ultimately, all these things are just as harmful in the end. People are just blinded by what they get out of it, and because no one sees what we get out of SI, it's SO BAD to the rest of society... Why should I give it up?
...
Am I in denial? I don't know; these are my thoughts on the matter, what I feel to be true, but really, I'm not sure. How can I expect to fix anything if I don't want to fix anything, if I feel there's nothing to fix, if I don't want to stop? How am I supposed to get anything out of counseling that requires me to do ALL the talking if I never end up wanting to contribute to the conversation? because I don't feel like I need the help, consciously at least? I AM SO CONFUSED AT THE MOMENT...

I'm sorry, I am rambling... I've started picking that up recently...