Is it bad when it sometimes feels like therapy is causing more stress than before I started? While I know I go through ups and downs in my feelings towards the process.... I worry sometimes that I have some kind of addiction to drama or emotional pain. I'm scared that I'm ruining the relationship with my own insecurities and dramatic fantasies (not that I've allowed myself to talk about them deeply yet...).

This is going to sound weird, but when I'm not session I have "conversations" or act out scenarios with T in my head. I'm much different in my fantasy sessions than in real life...much braver, more open etc. And so is T. I think sometimes I fool myself into thinking my fantasy sessions are how it really is in reality. but then I actually go to session and put up my defences again of being the "perfect client", and of always being nice.

I'm beginning to think that my fantasies are ruling my real relationship.
Eg. If I'm depressed and my thinking is distorted, then my fantasies become darker, revolving more around my needs that she refuses meet, and how she really doesn't care about me and cruelly judges me These fantasies will in turn create so much distress and sadness that I'll consider canceling session.

Sorry for rambling...I don't know what I'm asking. Do I sound like a massive drama queen? because I don't know how to fix these distortions which affect my mood so much. Thanks for reading