saw austin-t again today.
i had shut down completely - he had to ask all the questions and do all the guessing, and i just shook my head yes/no.

he wants me to move out. unlike pdoc & old-T, he is making things move really quickly. pdoc has always been the best about this, because he wanted me to decide what to do and then he said he would help if i needed/wanted it.

austin-t isn't really letting me decide. of course, he plays lip service to the idea but it's more like being forced into doing something & then retrospectively pretending it was my choice. he asked me if he could refer me to one of his social worker colleagues and i said no, but by the end of the session he said he would set it up anyway because he thought it was important. he also mentioned that one of his clients does philanthropic work and takes ppl in to her home, so he would talk things over with her. he said we would probably be good together, because she has OCD too and the reason she is coming to him is because she gets stressed that the ppl she takes in aren't as organised/tidy as she is. she lives in some triple storey mansion.

if i do move out, i dont want to live with strangers. i especially dont want to live in some boarding style place where i have no control over who the other ppl in my living space are. if worst came to worst and i absolutely had to share with someone, it would be someone who didnt bring strangers over at night. my best case scenario is that i could live by myself.

austin-t wants me to talk to uni and find out if they can put me up in some emergency short term accomodation while we figure out something more feasible for the long term.

i dont want to do all that moving. if i have to move, i just want it to be once. with all of my stuff in one go. i wouldnt be able to leave anything behind, so it would have to be some place where i could actually keep my stuff (ie not just uni dorms where there is no place to sneeze).

i dont really like austin t right now. he said he will see me prono bono next week but that the week after that he is away. i dont know how long for.

**eta: trigger for sui talk from here***
i am getting a bit upset with him. he refuses to talk about sui thoughts. i had brought it up on wednesday and he said he doesnt talk ppl out of it and changed the subject. at one point today he asked me what i was thinking and i said he doesnt talk about those things and he said yes and changed the subject again. at the end of today's session he asked me to tell him what my "self harm risk" was for the weekend, and i said there wasn't any point because he doesn't talk about it, and he said he had to ask because it was unethical if he didnt, but that i could always lie.

i dont think im just upset with him, i think i'm pretty angry. it feels like he is forcing this moving out thing on me, and it makes me want to quit seeing him. i need to feel like i have a choice and that i'm in control. and the thing is, i kind of would be prepared to move out. but i have pretty specific circumstances under which i would be prepared to do so and all the options he's throwing at me don't fall anywhere close to the mark, so i find myself just shutting down further and further and planning what to do (in a less life-affirming manner than one would hope) instead. the idiotic thing about this is that all that energy i'm pouring into my option B is energy i could be pouring into pursuing my 'ideal' moving out situation (which i would still need the help of others for). but given that austin-t's idea is that "any change is a good change", it doesn't really matter to him whether the change is so-so or good or great.

on a professional level it goes beyond "pretty angry" to fuming mad. i worked at a suicide crisis line for 2 years, and i did play a small part in helping to prevent ppl from taking their own life (even if it meant being deceptive at times and using information i'd gleaned to send the police their way because i couldnt talk them out of it). professional-deli wants to take the heaviest castiron saucepan she has and whack austin-T over the head for being a **** and having that sort of policy. but then deli-the-client thinks maybe he just has that policy for her, because she isn't worth the effort and hopes that he wouldnt enforce that policy with any of his other clients. so saucepan stays in pantry.

anyway. that's the update. my "homework" is to contact the SRC at uni, and also look at any other options i have open to me. i might go to the src, but other than that i'm kind of eh. im looking for the magic option and no one thinks it's important because apparently in my circumstances i should be happy with anything i can get. but im sick to death of the breadcrumbs under the table approach, and i either want something that will sustain me or i want out.