(((lily)))

I feel like I could have written your post. That addiction to emotional drama... I think a lot of people have that. I think it's the cause of a lot of people's pain, and I think you are very self-aware and honest to admit to it, whereas others will not admit to it even though they experience the same. I think most people would be ashamed to say this. I know I am.

I write poetry. I find that I can only write well when I am mildly depressed (cannot write at all when it gets really bad though). And in a way, I think that keeps me from happiness. Even though I wish for happiness.

Sometimes I get worse when I am in therapy, too, from focusing so much on my pain. I sink further. I think about therapy for hours a day. It gives me sick pleasure. I feel guilty for that. I do want it to stop, but it's like an addiction, like you said. But I'm talking to my T about this, trying to get past it, because truly, I don't want to live this way.

There are songs about this. Like, have you heard of the band Bright Eyes? They sing, in one song, "And I sing and sing of awful things/The pleasure that my sadness brings." And the band Tegan and Sara.. in one of their songs they sing, "There's a war inside of me/Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song?/Do I push it down?/Or let it run me right into the ground?"

I honestly think the bad is more interesting than the good sometimes, especially for introspective, creative folks. And I think that keeps a lot of people stuck. Have you talked about this with your T? If she's any good, this admission should open some doors in your therapy.. exploring how to get past this to live the life that you really want.

But Lily.. your struggle is the same as mine. I'm not going to have great advice for you because I just don't know how to get past this myself. A lot of times, I'm pretty sure this is all my fault and I shouldn't be in therapy.. I'm trying now to focus on the life I'd really like to live, the life I imagine for myself, and how the way that I behave keeps me from those things. Focusing on what you want from all of this, what you want from therapy, may steer you in the right direction. I'm hoping that's what it will do for me.

Hope this helps.