chris - i work from the premise that if someone is talking to you about suicide, then at least they aren't 100% intent just yet - there is a tiny amount of ambivalence you can work with. i know that is not always the case, but if i believe the opposite then i wouldn't bother trying helping ppl out. e.g., when i used to work i had 2 callers in one month, both of whom were in the process of actually attempting (very rare, thank god!). one i was able to work with and get to safety, the other one i lost. if i worked from the idea that i wouldn't bother then that would be 2 ppl i'd lost instead.

austin-t does kind of work to the root of the problem in a general way, but it's kind of a limitation because he doesnt address it directly. my big thing is hopelessness and feeling impotent to change. and he's figured that, but he just assumes that any change will be ok. and because im not allowed to talk about those thoughts, i cant really tell him what changes i require to keep safe.

it's ok, i guess . even if i could be open, i'm sure he'd be like "well, that's something to work towards and we cant achieve that right now". so maybe what i want doesnt matter anyway.

it just feels weird, because i dont recall ever having spoken to him about this stuff before. i could understand if i threatened it all the time - then it would be something to acknowledge but not delve into - but.... it just feels like he's refusing to take this seriously. i dont know. im hypersensitive and worried about the possibility that he's playing games with me.

i guess it's his job to be the therapist, and my job to be the client. so deli-the-client thinks, i can't be honest with him and he doesnt think im worth the effort to try and engage with on that level. and quite frankly, maybe he is right. so why am i continuing to see him?