(((((((((everyone)))))))))


Thank you for all your support. It means a lot.

I am having such a down day. I keep a mood diary and I rate my moods in the morning and at night on a scale from 1-5, with 5 being wonderful and 1 being so low I can't get out of bed. When I woke up this morning I was at a 2 but as the day has worn on I've slipped down to a 1. I went for lunch with a friend and I couldn't concentrate on what we were talking about. I enjoyed being in her company as always, but I was just so exhausted that it took everything I had to smile and be conversational and catch her up on my life since we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks. Now I'm home I'm curled up in bed, and I just want to stay this way forever. I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest.

My counsellor thinks that this is probably a sign that my meds need changing/adjusting. It's happened before where I suddenly dip, where my mood is all over the map. Some days I'm great, and other days, like today, I'm barely functional. I think she's right, I think this needs looking into right away. I hate being this way. I hate hating myself, and right now, I do. I can't push the negative thoughts away. I'm being bombarded by them, and I've tried everything that normally makes me feel good -- I've gone for a walk, I've been listening to music, I tried writing and watching tv and talking to a friend but every second feels like an hour and I feel like there's this huge weight on my chest. I want it to stop. I want to feel good again. I hate these days where my life comes to a standstill and I can't do anything. I can't work, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't have fun. All I can do is stare at the wall and ride it out and I HATE it. I hate it and I hate myself for being this way.

I'm afraid my friends and family are going to be frustrated with me. I know they love and support me and I know they're there for me no matter what, but I don't want to burden them with a low mood I know is going to pass. I can see how it bewilders them whenever my moods dip suddenly. I can hear it in their voices when we talk that they're testing the waters, to see how I'm feeling today, to see how I'm going to react and whether they should tread carefully. I know they love me and don't blame me but I blame myself for the stress I cause. I blame myself for not trying hard enough. I blame myself for dragging them into my twisted, hopeless, confusing world in the first place. I just want a shoulder to lean on right now but I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to feel like even more of a failure when I tell them that I'm low again. Rationally, I know they'd never tell me that or even think it, but it's how I feel, just so, so guilty, and I hate the depression for making me feel this way and I hate that I can just wake up some mornings and find that I'm no longer able to fight it off. I really hope that this is a med problem, because things in my life aren't so bad, not as bad as last year, not as bad as the summer, not really that bad at all. I'm so blessed and I try to count those blessings, but the depression is screaming at me the whole time that I'm worthless and useless and a troublemaker and not worthy of the oxygen I breathe.