I've been really quiet lately about posting any new posts, just answering some here, but I need some input, please.

The last month I have been cutting very badly. I stopped doing it on my arm, which may have scars this time, and went to my upper thighs. They are so horrible but I can't seem to stop.

I have been more stressed lately due to my tests and wondering what is wrong with my leg. I have to go back to the hospital today (since it is about 1am here now) and get this nerve root block injection in my spine to deaden the nerve that is being pushed against by my hardware. If it doesn't work.........surgery is the only other option again. That is getting really old, btw.

I have, if anything, withdrawn more because of the time up at the hotel. I have only myself to think about and I do nothing here, not even watch tv. My husband, of course, thinks I am out partying and having tons of people over here, esp. men.

Everytime I think he is actually missing me, I realize it isn't me that he misses - just whatever money I can give him. The last time I was home, I bought him a cell phone - shouldn't have for financial reasons, but I did. That produced the "I really need cigs and gas more than the phone".......after all he has been doing is complaining that he doesn't have one - how I have so many - and that how is Alex's school supposed to get ahold of him? Using Alex again, as usual.

So, I get the phone and then he complains about the bill today. Then I set up an appt with energy assistance, which took me months to accomplish because of a waiting list, for an electric bill that is his fault - a back bill finally crossed and they charged us for it. He was supposed to go today - I wrote a reminder on the frig magnetic board, gave him all the paperwork and stuff he would need when I was home, and HE BLEW THE APPT. OFF.

On the way home tonight, he is yelling and screaming at me that all this is my fault because I didn't pay the bill last winter - excuse me, but the back bill is all his fault from several years ago and HIM not paying it. [sigh]. So, I lose my temper and yell back and he hangs up on me which really makes me mad. I call back and he threatens to move out - told him not to let the door hit him on the way.

I'm getting mad at my T these days because he isn't writing back to me and not showing concern. I sent him one the other day when I returned to the hotel telling him that I had some "physical issues here at home" and was in no shape to call him at the office. He sends me back an email with one word on it - "ok". [sigh] I'm acting like a spoiled brat with him and I know it, but that doesn't stop the anger I feel.

The thought of leaving up here and going home to HIM drives me insane - which isn't far off. When I left before I gave him money plus the phone, $40 to be exact and he blew it in less than a week. We didn't need food or anything. Now he's whining about how broke he is again and how he has to borrow money to "survive". I absolutely at this moment, hate his guts.

I'm trying so hard at work and trying to get home to see Alex when I can and dealing with him.......it's piling up again on me. I have to see my T today and then go over to the hospital. Alex and him are supposed to meet me over there - and I can't guarantee that I will even be remotely civilized to him - of course, he expects me to program his phone while they are doing the procedure on my spine.......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

This is where all the anger is coming from, but the depression is getting worse as well. Plus my mom is still hurt, slowly getting better but she still can't go anywhere. At least she has progressed to walking slightly and I am expected to call everyday or I get yelled at.

See what happens when I stay quiet? Sorry for venting, but I actually feel like I am going to explode or seriously try to end up a widow.