Yesterday after I had my run in with T#1 at the gym I felt horrible about the way things were with us. We couldn't even look at each other in the eye. It was hard because I felt better in seeing him because I have missed him but yet I couldn't stop feeling the yuck of crap we had between us. I know I had a right to feel angry at what he did but I felt bad for my actions I made in anger and hurt. It wasn't who I wanted to be. So I called him and told him that I apologize for all that I did and that I was sorry if I caused him embarrassment and that I wanted to clear the air between us so we don't have to look away when we come across each other because it felt so awkward. I left it open for him to call me back, but I didn't expect to hear from him. I was okay with that because I felt I did my part in clearing the air, it was up to him to decide if he would accept my apology and how things would be. I wished him the best of luck in life and said goodbye. I actually felt at ease.

Well he called me this morning and we talked. He said he accepted my apology. I said I was glad because I felt really bad about the things I did. He told me that his friends, family and some clients saw what I wrote on various forms. I asked him if he understood my anger and he said he did. I knew I wouldn't get an apology for his part in this, so I just let that go, this was about my apology anyway and he sounded a little strained and I didn't want to push it. He said that he would feel better too if things were clear between us and he said that it would be nice for us to be able to say hello or wave when we see each other again. I said that sounded good to me. He wished me well and we said goodbye.

I mostly feel better about this. It feels good to get part of my yuck of my life out of the way. I still have mixed feelings and my current said that was okay, so I am allowing myself to not to worry about it too much.

I am wondering about this whole soul-mate thing again. I was nearly at the bottom of how bad I was feeling about myself and my future, I don't know if I could have felt much lower. But then he was there that next morning, maybe not in the most pleasant of ways, but he was there. It makes me wonder about this connection that I have with him. It is weird and surprising on how things are and how we keep running into each other but the fact it happened at that moment in a place I haven't seen him before. It is even weird it is ANOTHER gym. Makes me think about how this racquetball thing has changed so many thing with me and healing. I wouldn't have even of seen him if I didn't get transferred to the running class and was there earlier in the morning. It just feels so weird, confusing, but somehow I feel better.
Maybe this is the hope I needed. Maybe things won' t be as nice and pleasant as it used to be with T1 when we saw each other in the past, but it shouldn't feel as bad as it did this year. If I can get through this, one of the most painful things that has happened to me ever, just maybe I can get through all the other stuff too.