deli, i'm so glad you are going to look into the campus housing. there is so much i want to say but i don't know where to start. in my artist way class this week we were talking about perfectionism and how it is a block. it prevents us from moving forward in our lives. i think when we want or expect things to be perfect we really hinder the growth and progress in our lives. you may not have the opportunity right now for the perfect living situation, but it sounds like you do have some pretty good options. you are in an intolerable situation, and you're tormenting yourself as well, and you need some space to heal and find peace of mind. maybe whatever living situation you get won't be your ideal but i can only imagine it will be a huge step in the right direction. maybe you can look at it as a stepping stone to something better. i know that's not what you want but "progress not perfection" as we say in 12-step programs.

same with your schoolwork. trying to "do your best" is holding you back. i am not convinced that what you are calling your best is in fact that but rather perfection. to do your best is to go through the process and do the best you can. if you don't go thru it then you haven't done your best in that situation. something i'm trying to focus on is just "showing up". it's hard. as a fellow perfectionist i want to wait until i'm ready and everything is perfect before i step out and do anything. but that holds me back like you wouldn't believe. it's not comfortable to show up sometimes when my best looks terrible, but i survive and my life is slowing moving forward even if at a snail's pace.

this perfectionism crap that we both struggle with is about trying to earn the love of others. we're so terrified people won't love us if we're not perfect but the truth is people already know we're not perfect. the only ones we fool is ourselves! not everyone will treat us as we have been treated in the past. does that mean we won't still experience crap from people? no. but most people will be a whole lot kinder to us than we imagine.

as for the self-hatred/sui thoughts i think you are internalizing your anger. you have this "i'm a terrible person" loop going on in your head but it makes no sense. you have had some horrendous things happen to you and they were absolutely not your fault. you had no control over those things as a child, and yes that is terrifying to accept but it's the truth. bad things happen and it really, really sucks. it doesn't mean you deserved or caused it. it's a consequence of free will and some of us have gotten caught in other's horrendous free will choices. you need to stop punishing yourself for things that are not your fault and direct your anger where it belongs so you don't destroy yourself. i'm not saying hate your abusers or even see them as "bad people". but what has/is happening is bad. and you should be angry about it. not at yourself but at your abuser(s).

deli, you're a wonderful person and so many people here care about you. please let austin-t and pdoc help you to find some freedom. you can't do it alone. none of us can because we're not meant to. please take gentle care of yourself sweet deli.