((((
deli
))))
Quote:
Originally Posted by deliquesce
if i do move out, i dont want to live with strangers. i especially dont want to live in some boarding style place where i have no control over who the other ppl in my living space are. if worst came to worst and i absolutely had to share with someone, it would be someone who didnt bring strangers over at night. my best case scenario is that i could live by myself.
i dont want to do all that moving. if i have to move, i just want it to be once. with all of my stuff in one go. i wouldnt be able to leave anything behind, so it would have to be some place where i could actually keep my stuff (ie not just uni dorms where there is no place to sneeze).
|
Deli, you seem to have many reasons why you cannot move out. In another thread I remember you said another reason was that it was too expensive to live near campus and you didn't want to live further out because of the added cost of transport. It seems like you are boxing yourself into a corner. You have said you won't live on campus because of the hostile climate toward women. You won't live off campus because it is too expensive, too far, you'll have to move twice, you won't live with anyone you don't know, with anyone who brings people over at night, or you want to live on your own... I wish you could just get out and try it, Deli, maybe just for a short time, a week or two trial period. Maybe it would be so great, you would be willing to make compromises after that just to stay away from home.
Quote:
|
if i have to move, i just want it to be once. with all of my stuff in one go. i wouldnt be able to leave anything behind,
|
Deli, this stood out to me so much. It sounds like you envision leaving as a catastrophic event breaking all ties with your family, not even being able to leave any of your belongs at home, even temporarily. Maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe you can just leave on relatively good terms (not because you necessarily want that, but to avoid conflict). If you move out, you don't need to tell the family it is because of them. You could just say you've been waiting for the right opportunity to move, and here it is. Parents expect their adult children to move out at some point, so it is very plausible. So if you leave on decent terms, could you move to the dorm temporarily and leave some of your stuff at home? Could you box it up and put it in a closet somewhere at home if you think it would be in the way? Then after a month or two, go back and get the rest after you've found a more permanent place to live? I worry that things are never going to be ideal for moving, Deli, and so you just won't do it.
I also worry too about all the sui thoughts. You say you had completely shut down, and then in the same session Austin T is really pushing you to move. I can only think that the two are somehow connected, that something impossible to tolerate with your family has pushed you toward this, and Austin's idea is to remove you from the family. Perhaps not a bad idea at all.
Deli, I know this is not the same at all, but when I was a teen, I used to self-harm. No one knew about it and I had no idea anyone else on the globe had ever done this. I did this mainly to help me get through an intolerable home life. At 17, I left home to go to college. I put over 1000 miles between me and my family (my mother was the one I was escaping). Once I got out of town, I never self-harmed again. Ever. Or wanted to. Once I was out of that environment and away from her, there was no need to "cope." So much in my life was "solved" and became easier once I was away from them. I wonder if you left, might you experience similar feelings of relief, escape, improved functionality, etc.?
Deli, is there any way you can ask Austin T why he turns away from sui talk? I can see it might feel very rejecting. Maybe it would help you tolerate his behavior if you knew why he did it.
Good luck with the homework, Deli.
I hope you do go so see Social Worker and that she/he has some good ideas.