I have been in therapy for for 21 months. I go to a a "reg" therapist for one hour a week and an emdr for two hours a week and I am in a group. THis is may trigger mentions emotional vulnerability and frustration and self harm



I dont really self harm at all. When I am triggered or stuck in a state of a severe over powering feeling that is old I may dig my nails in my hand. However I dont really do anything at all. I know that therapy will and does bring up severe and hard feelings and issues. I do my best to try and change the way i react to those so that I can heal whatever old stuff has come up. I dont always do the best job.
I am in a dbt group tp learn about emotions and see if it helps with my ptsd. I have only missed one class and we have been meeting 5 months. I have never missed a therapy appointment.
Ok so here is where I am going. I get so frustrated at times. There are a couple of people in my group who do self harm like overdosing alot and other varoius activities. They are not supposed to bring it up in group but they do at times before it can be stopped. I know that this is a very seroius issue and that most people who do this are not like this but here lies my frustration. This one girl laughs about it and thinks its funny that the dr wont give her meds becasue she Over doses all the times and she laghs when she talks bout it..and always announces to the group I was in the hospital and smiles....I have tried to be open minded but I just cant. The therapist in charge he always stops and listens to her everytime she talks and we spend alot of time with her.
On the other hand Ihave been interupted and he has ignored me. I brough this up to my therpaist who happens to be this girls therapist also and she has talked to the group to and the whole dbt team and things have changed. The leaders listen to me and stuff. yet I am still hurt and angry about this. In fact I decided when i told my therapist that if she wanted I could slap them in the face like this girl and do these behaviors and show them off instead of working my butt off every week and doing the work and asking for help. (she said no)
I have had a very bad past I have severe PTSd that is so bad it interferes with my life and makes me stand out at times. I am coming up on a very bad anniversary. Yet i am still walking foward and doing the work.
I guess what I am doing is venting. I get angry when I see that some people (not everyone who self harms just a couple) waste time and energy and everyone stops and listens to them because they communicate non verbally in a way that is dramatic and potentially dangeous. I on the other hand have to use my words to describe how I am feeling whats going on and I cant always do that well.
I have talked to my therapists and things have changed in the group and she says that she respects me for using my words and so on and such but I have this anger. Maybe its this jealousy that I cant act this way and not have to use my words and stuff to communicate. I am raising my neices and nephew and I have to be strong. I cant scream with out words....plus i couldnt do that to my therapists. .
So I dont know why I am writing this maybe does any one else feel this way? I know that most people who Si are not this way.

I forgot to add the emotional vulnerabilty. I share alot with my therapists. I share feelings and thoughts and I feelso vulnerable. I feel raw and exposed. I know this is part of the process for me. I have held all this is for so long. I hate that it makes me afraid that they will leave or decide to hate me and all those weird thoughts. I never had this kind of relationship. Its never been all about my needs and no one ever really lsitened to me. I had a severly traumatizing life.
Triggers





I grew up in and out of foster homes. My mom is schizophrenic she tried to kill us by poisining us starving is threatened to shoot us...I had two broken legs was beat abused in every other way by her and her boyfriends...I witnessed her in a shoot out with the police (we were in the path and the police didnt shoot back becasue of this) I was kidnapped and raped by a stranger at nine years old...so on and so forth....its sounds unbelievable but its all true. I talk about this the best I can. Yet sometimes my therapist say you are behind this wall and you say nothing is wrong and thats not true be real in therapy show us your feelings...and I try so hard and I cant always do it and when i do I feel afraid. I cant accpet comfort yet as it makes me mad for some reason all this leads to this emotional vulnerability but I keep trying so when I have words and they feel ignored I get hurt. I dont know. Maybe I am a ***** and mean and rude and I should shut up.