sw628, when I read your account, I think one thing--this T is very inexperienced and is making mistakes with this client. She needs direct advice from her supervisor.

You said that you sent her this email and then saw her some time later (days later?) for a session, and she was teary eyed and "stern/wounded" when you walked in. I have to wonder why? She had plenty of time to get her feelings under control, since you say she read your email right when you sent it, not just immediately before your session. With so much lead time on processing her own feelings, something seems odd to me that she is presenting this way when you walk in. It seems very un-therapist like. It does seem to me that she is doing that deliberately, to send you a message. As a T, she should know better and be trained in direct communication, not projecting certain emotions to communicate what she should be able to say outloud. This to me suggests she is very inexperienced and doesn't have some of the basics of therapy "down pat." I know it must be very hard to be a new therapist and have to negotiate all these different client relationships. They have to learn somehow, and some of it is bound to be by trial and error. The question is, do you want to be one of the people she learns these early lessons on?

I agree it is not helpful to send our therapists angry emails about everything we have kept "bottled up," but to share those feelings in session, as they come up, little by little, instead of all at once in an explosion. But part of what you can learn in therapy is how to express your feelings as they occur, in a direct way. This is a teachable moment for your therapist, and it sounds like she didn't make use of it at all. Instead, she acted wounded and teary and you ended up feeling guilty and like you must never get angry again. This is a BIG therapy failure for her, IMO.

It sounds like the two of you are close, so maybe her errors and growing pains as a T won't impact the larger benefit of your therapy. Or maybe they will. I've heard before that an important thing to look for in a therapist is experience (I[ve heard 10 years is good). I know some people have very good therapy with less inexperienced Ts, so that's not a hard and fast rule. Its just that having an inexperienced therapist raises your chances of having a less than good therapy experience.

Anger is a learning opportunity for your therapist--to learn more about you and why you are triggered, to learn about your communication patterns, etc. My T has told me that client anger arouses in him a feeling of curiousity, and of progress. Ah, hmmm, we've uncovered something of importance, let's explore this and find where that anger is coming from.... I can almost see his ears swivel forward, like a horse, at the slightest hint of anger, and he turns his body to me in a very open posture, and sits forward on the edge of his seat. It's his "I invite you to tell me more" body language. I bet my T did not respond this way, though, when he only had 2 years experience.

I do agree. The client should strive to express her feelings directly, in session. I don't think the client learns nearly as much by expressing anger in an email. And if the therapist allows this outlet for anger by email regularly, the client may never become uncomfortable enough to express anger in session, where the T can help. I have found that when I am a bit pissed off at my T, that if I seek clarification immediately in session, I find out that T really didn't mean what I was getting upset about. I had misinterpreted something he said, or a tone of voice, or something. Being there face to face can immediately short circuit the whole anger cycle. If I seek immediate clarification before I get angry, then the whole thing sometimes stops in its tracks.

I think you can, but it is going to take a lot of skill on your therapist's part to really do it right and not leave you with the feeling that you can never be honest with her again about feeling angry. If you do try to work on this rupture, I hope you can tell her that you are concerned that you cannot be angry towards her again. See if she can work on that and help to make you feel safe again. It may take concerted effort over time on her part, not just a one time, feel good session.

She wants you to tell her what is and isn't working for you in therapy, so she can respond appropriately. If you don't tell her what you want, how can she meet your needs? For example you said you were displeased with a response she made when you contacted her outside of session. Talk directly with her about this. She can clarify her boundaries, if need be, or see how the response she made could have been more effective. You said she also didn't respond to an email you sent about a doctor. So in your next session you can tell her that you felt hurt or abandoned about not receiving an email response, and again, there can be boundary clarification (maybe she reads but doesn't respond to client emails), or T can say she ususally does respond to client emails if that's how she operates, and she must have missed yours, and she's sorry. That's what your T means about wanting feedback.

Great. Here is your opportunity to "give feedback" and discuss those issues.

I think this is very important for T to address, and I hope you will give her the opportunity by discussing these feelings with her. She won't know you are feeling this way unless you tell her.

If your T is not able to have these conversations because you somehow trigger her, then I think may not be skilled enough to help you at this time in her career, even though you have felt close in the past.

The previous post of yours that Fool Zero posted was kind of scary, as it sounded exactly the same as this recent incident. That was 7 months ago and she is sounding like she has not progressed at all.

Yes, of course therapists have feelings in reaction to their clients, but it's what they do with those feelings that is important. How do they handle them, and is it in a way that is not harmful to the client?

I hope things go well for you, sw628, whether you decide to work things out with your therapist or seek a new one.